Do you get a sense of foreboding sometimes? One that builds up over time? I think I have that feeling. I haven’t been able to sleep these last 2 nights and today doesn’t look promising either. There’s an uneasiness about what’s coming. I don’t know what it is. I don’t know if I am uneasy about the present or uncertain about what lies ahead. I do know that I feel inadequate, and unprepared, and unwilling to deal with whatever it is.
Do I even make sense?
Perhaps it’s just a lack of exercise – I haven’t moved in days! Maybe sitting at home by myself is making me morose. And morose I am, given to terrible mood swings and bursts of emotions. A minute I am craving the company of people, the next I want to get as far away from them as I can. One minute I want to work like crazy, the next my mind is blank and I can’t process anything related to work. And this oscillation is driving me nuts.
I hear the almost unsaid expectation in the air – it’s been long enough; shouldn’t you get your act together now. Shouldn’t you function normally and do things like you always did. Why are you still running and hiding? Why aren’t you being normal? Why aren’t you talking to people or going places or doing things or keeping busy? Why aren’t you dancing, painting, meditating, following a new religion? Why aren’t you doing something that gives us the comfort that you are moving on? Why do you run back in your shell over and over again? Why don’t you just get out of it once and for all? It’s been long enough.
For them perhaps.
I don’t know what’s long enough. I was just telling someone today, I can’t process that G is gone. I think of him on a vacation, and that he’s going to be back any moment. And I don’t know how to go back to normal. I would like to get back to it too – whatever normal is. And I try. But somehow, I’m not ready to talk to people I don’t know. I am not sure what to do around them anymore. I don’t know what should I talk about. Everyone I meet I wanna scream and tell them my husband died, he died, and it’s just me dealing with it. I sit in client meetings and I want to say this. I am at work and I want to say this to all our people. But you can’t say these things. You don’t burden people with your sorrows, you don’t create awkward scenarios. So you just smile and nod and pretend you are having this great time and productive discussion while all it’s doing is sapping your energy. When all you want to do is run away!
There are so many loops to close. So many things undone, incomplete. So much that I am just unprepared to do. I am just not ready. And I don’t know how to answer people who want me to be ready! I’m sorry if you want a deadline – I don’t have one to offer. I am not sure if I even care!