Crazy days, breakdown, a new life

I haven’t written in a while, the inability to type is to blame. The hand isn’t healing very well, and I’m not really taking good care of it either. I write this even when I am not supposed to be typing, because thoughts have been whirling in my head these few days. And if I don’t write I collapse in to sobbing fits like I did last night. Perhaps the bottle of wine was to blame too, but I made a fool of myself sobbing away in front of my friends.

Usually if I am upset in public, I cry quietly and wipe away my tears. Not so yesterday. I cried like how I usually cry alone. I tried to look sane but the tears and sobs wouldn’t stop. I knew I should have never gone out. Especially when I am the odd one out in couples. It never goes well for me and this time it just turned in to a big embarrassment too. Though my friends were great – they didn’t mention the sobbing, just sat quietly and let me get it out. They stayed till I had a handle on myself again, and was ready to go to bed. Perhaps if I had been writing I wouldn’t have had a breakdown. So here I am again, and I have a lot to talk about.

First, some visions I’ve been having, and I’d really like some views here. I’ve been seeing things about G’s accident that I haven’t seen in reality. I saw the accident as it would have happened from inside the car. As if I was in the back seat and the sequence of events. I saw the scene on the road post accident. I saw how his relatives would have spent the night knowing while his parents and I sped down to meet him. I wasn’t there in any of these places, yet I can see it so vividly! Anyone else has had this experience? Or am I just going crazy?

Apart from that I’ve spent some productive time trying to start some initiatives from a trust fund in his name. I’ve met people, spent some time with NGOs and people who work in them, and finally I am putting together a funding proposal which if it goes through will provide vocational training to underprivileged women. It’s one of the things that’s keeping me positive. Knowing that something is progressing. Something in his name that’ll make a difference to people’s lives.

And finally, a new life is coming home. I went and got myself a labrador retriever. Meet Hash (in the pic) who’ll be home very soon. I’m super excited, a bit apprehensive, but very happy that I will finally have some company. And all those hugs i’ve been whining about, well, I can get them now…

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7 thoughts on “Crazy days, breakdown, a new life

  1. Congratulations on taking the step to get a dog!! I hope that it will be the next positive step for you in your life❤️ Also I wanted to say that you’re definitely not alone in the vivid imagery of the accident. Even though I don’t know what happened in his truck, don’t know how he was found, and don’t even know what the accident scene looks like, I see it everyday. In my mind. What I believe it to look like. And it feels so so sooo real. Like I was there, like I’M having flashbacks of HIS death. I try the best I can not to think about it because it’s sickeningly real. It strikes too close to home.

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  2. Yay for Hash…. he will bring you so much joy.

    I too see Daniel’s accident though I wasn’t there. I see it as though I’m watching it unfold and sometimes as though I’m on the bike with him. For me most of the visions occur if I go to bed or lie down through the day and I’m not completely shattered. If sleep doesn’t find me straight away and I lie there for a little bit in a half conscious state, I end up having the visions which lead to me shaking and sobbing and still not finding sleep. I know I should probably see someone and I think I’m almost ready for that. It’s not a nice place to be, sometimes I wish I’d never talked to the police or read the coroner’s report. I think what I could make up in my head couldn’t be as bad as what actually occurred. Thinking of you and know you are definitely not alone. Hugs xxx

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing this. It’s comforting to know it happens and I’m not going crazy! I saw him in the morgue and that’s an image that’ll stick with me for life. I didn’t read the police or coroner’s report though. I didn’t want to know if he broke any bones or suffered injuries. I knew I wouldn’t be able to survive that.

      Talking to someone is probably a good idea. I think it helps. Go for it and hope it gets you some peace 😘! Take care! And thank you again for sharing your story with me.

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      1. Thank you! Yes I too saw Daniel at the morgue and it’s one that has stayed with me. I’m learning to try and replace these images with happy memories every time I start thinking about it.

        There was no choice for me….. I had to know everything and I needed all the facts in order to process it I guess. I’m not sure if I did the right thing or not. The day after he died my process was see Daniel, see his riding gear, go to the accident scene, see the bike. I had to see everything in order to believe it. A few days later I understood his injuries through a phone call with the coroner’s office. A couple of months later I was interviewed by police as part of their reporting process (there is a long nightmare story to go with this!). I was also contacted by someone who was in the other vehicle involved in the accident but I did not ask her for details – that I couldn’t handle. Then 6 months after the accident occurred the coroner’s report arrived. I already knew most of it but nothing prepares you for actually reading it on paper. I had to lock the paperwork away so I didn’t torture myself by reading it over and over. There’s no right or wrong and sometimes I question whether I made the right decisions by knowing all I do. But I would have made it up anyway so either way my head would be filled with images.

        I wish none of us were going through this or had to have these visions.

        xxx

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      2. Oh I can imagine the torture!!! 😢😢😢. I know that urge to know, I had to see him to believe it and that’s why I went to the morgue. I also saw the car and the accident scene, and by that time I’d had enough. His brother filtered everything for me and only told me what I wanted to know, so I didn’t have to deal directly with the police or anything. Also for me, all the reports were in a different language that I couldn’t read. So even when I happened to see a copy of the FIR it was incomprehensible for me. Many people Are of the opinion that I shouldn’t have even seen him like that. Still there are no right or wrong decisions in these times, we all do what we have to at that time. How they affect us later is anybody’s guess.

        Even after all this it’s tough to believe him gone as I feel is the case with all of us. When we love someone, they stay with us forever no matter what happens. And that I think is some comfort.

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