The worst 8 months of my life

Every time the dates change I tell myself I won’t set too much store by them. Why is the 11th of every month so important? Why can I not ignore it and just let it be another day? And yet, it becomes a milestone. Another step farther away from G. It’s eight months today – the worst time of my life – just eight and yet it feels like a lifetime.

A counselor I saw a while ago asked me to write a letter to G, to say what I wanted to, so that I can find closure. I have no last words. There is nothing that will close our conversation, because we hadn’t even begun in earnest. All those big things in life were yet to be done. How do you close a chapter when you have but written just a paragraph?

I was thinking about that letter today – one that I never wrote. And I thought if I can’t write one letter that closes it all, I can still continue my conversations with G! I can talk to him here – and it’ll be just one of the many crazy things I do.

So here is what happened today baby.

I woke up knowing that it’s been 8 months since I last saw you. I knew it was going to be a bad day so I decided to spend all of it at work. It’s 9:30 pm right now and I’ve just got home. And as I was sitting in office, I found it so strange that you aren’t at home waiting for me. That you won’t be calling to check what’s keeping me or will I be back for dinner. It was odd that I could just decide to go for dinner without calling you to say “carry on without me”. Such horrid words – because that’s what you did baby, carried on without me and that was cheating. I hope you know I don’t like it one bit.

It doesn’t help that I am PMSing. All these hormones have thrown my natural cycle and I don’t know what to expect anymore. Do you remember how you could tell me every time when I was due. You said I smelled extra nice before my chums! Lol! It was a pheromone radar tuned in to my system! Well no such warning system anymore, so I am just waiting and hoping that it gets over soon.

I tried to really do some work today, managed a bit, but my hands and shoulders hurt baby. Like really hurt. I have searing pain that pokes my elbows and makes my shoulders sore and my fingers numb. Remember how it was only in the right hand earlier – now it’s both. I took 2 pain killers today, but didn’t really help much. And I can’t put the Volini the way you did, my hand doesn’t reach the joint. I did try to take some breaks and stretch, but I guess I have to be more regular than that if I hope to retain my hand function.

I went and ate dinner outside and bough mangoes on the way back. I was thinking of those lovely ones you brought back from one of your trips – the best any of us had ever eaten! And then I drove back home. I noticed that they’ve finally closed all of those little crossings on the road that used to annoy you so much, and I think the traffic is a bit better for that. The road is in the same bad shape and I shudder to think what’ll happen to it in the rains.

For now it’s too hot – running at 38 degrees! And we are all hoping for rain to deliver us from this heat wave. The ac had stopped working so I got it fixed a few days ago. Yes, I am learning all that, I just wish I didn’t have to! I haven’t been cooking for a while so I am worried about the gas connection as well. Did you know they removed our subsidy under some ‘give it up’ campaign. Anyway, I have to finish the cylinder this month and book another otherwise the connection will lapse and I’ll have to run around trying to renew it again. The bulbs you had changed have stopped working too, and I’m planning a trip to the store to get them – and then i’ll have to ask someone to come over and fix them!

Popcorn is doing well and will be getting some company soon. I talk to him sometimes, but I don’t play with him as much as you did. Poor thing must be really lonely – I am too! And I am tired, very tired. Doing anything is such an effort – such a HUGE effort. Come over and help a bit? It’s high time don’t you think?

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