Tomorrow it’ll be 250 days

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that tomorrow it’ll be two hundred and fifty days…

Two hundred times I’ve tried to put my grief in to words…

21,600,000 moments lost…

It’s strange to put a number to a void…

I can’t believe you left me. I can’t believe you are never coming back again. I can’t believe it’s just me and not you and me.

Who do I tell my secrets to? Who do I tell what bugs me and what I find funny? Who do I share a knowing glance with? Who do I talk to? Who do I fight with? Who do I make plans with? Who do I rely on to take care of me? Who will take me home?

I go to bed knowing there is no one to cover me with a blanket if I feel cold or to turn off the light if I fall asleep reading a book. I get up knowing that I’ll never get another cup of bed tea or breakfast that’s not made by me. I stocked up on painkillers because you won’t be there to give me a back-rub when my shoulder ache gets nasty.

I keep my opinions to myself now, and a lot of things that I’d have told you remain unsaid. I still look at my phone often and pick it as if to call you. I still check it for your message or calls. I still share your memories on Facebook, just a few more months when I can still do that without repeating. I’ve told myself I’ll stop when I complete the circle.

I wish I had told you how much I love you more often. I wish we had fought less. I wish we spent more time together instead of at work. I wish we traveled to all those places you wanted to see. I wish we danced more.

After 12th July, I danced yesterday for the first time – just a bit with friends who come over every Friday. We drank a lot and we went crazy and we cried because we missed you a lot! Did you know people loved you so much?

Come back baby, it’s been really long and I can’t do this!

I wish we were having coffee right now!

Pic: One of the last we ever took together…

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