I am bone tired. I thought I’d fall on the bed and fall asleep. I am wide awake.

I was on my way to a meeting today – talking to Hash because he was trembling on his first car ride. I was  trying to calm him down when the storm hit me. I seem to have these experiences where I witness myself from a distance. I see what’s going on and I can be a dispassionate observer. Of course what happens to me when those observations hit me is a different matter.

So I was driving along and I saw myself in the car. And the futility of the whole thing just dawned on me. It was the same on 11th August last year – I was oblivious of what was in store for me. I was just having a normal day, doing normal things. And it’s laughable now. If only I knew what was coming! And it brings home the point so strongly – you are just minding your own business, a blip in this world, and suddenly your whole world collapses around you.

It was a normal day today, and it made me tremble to think there might be some other heartbreak in store. And maybe that’s why we are programmed to be oblivious. Perhaps if we could know what was coming we’d just clutch at straws and spend our lives in fear. Perhaps that’s why life shattering things come unexpected.

Since Hash has come i’ve had some normal days. He keeps me too busy to brood. And I can now look at G’s pics without tearing up. It’s amazing what physical exhaustion can achieve. Maybe that’s why many people set so much store by self-punishment.

I think I now live in some kind of flashback movie. I don’t know where I am at any point in time. I oscillate between what was, what is, and what could have been. I hope for what will be, and despair for it too. It’s too heavy a burden to bear and I might have bitten more than I can chew.

So I’m trying to wind down. To not take up a hundred different things at a time. To just focus on work and Hash and getting that baby. It’s a good thing that my ambition is gone. I no longer care about making a mark on the world. I no longer care that time is slipping by and I have not achieved anything. I know now that even if I were to be successful (in the conventional career sense) the taste of it would be bitter. As I slowly let go of the materialistic, I hope someday I will let go of the grief as well, and peace will come. Not the daze of exhaustion, but the peace of acceptance of my lot in life.

And maybe sleep will come too…


3 thoughts on “Sleepless…

  1. Keep breathing, you are doing great, nothing you are going through and feeling is wrong or abnormal. Keep letting yourself feel what you’ve got to feel. I get the feeling that Hash is bringing up all kinds of love energy to the surface as part of this healing process – your taking care of him is helping take care of you, if that makes sense.

    My dog helps me in the most amazing ways she never realizes. As I write this she is passed out on her bed, eyes rolled back in her head, snoring loudly (she’s worse than an old man) and twitching as she prepares for another doggy dream, and all I know that is through all this babymaking frenzy and stress, just sitting and snuggling with her is the best comfort I could ask for.

    Liked by 1 person

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