This was the message I posted on his Facebook wall 5 years ago. And he said “Crazy in love with u darling!!!”
I think he’s never said a truer thing. He was crazy in love with me. It’s strange to know that now I’m not the center of the universe for anyone. That someone who loved me more than himself has left forever.
In Indian folklore there is a story of a woman who upon the death of her husband goes to the Lord of Death and wins his life back. I know now what desperation might have driven her. Who are we alone in this world? Nothing. We are made by people who complete us, people who shape our identities, and when the very closest of those people are taken away, what do we have left?
I think I am crazy now. When I sit and stare in to nothing for hours, when I cry for no reason, when I fly in to rages. The only dignity I have accorded myself is to be a closet crazy. This blog is the only place I talk about things as they are; for the rest of the world, I have moved on very well. And that’s why I stay home so often. It’s not easy to go out there and smile and laugh as if nothing is the matter. Of course, everything is the matter… I miss him terribly. And I can’t even say hello!
I wish I could move on. To a stage when that image of him in the cold storage goes away. When I am able to visualize happy times with G when I think of him instead of the happenings after his death. When I can look at our pictures with a fondness instead of terror. How long is it going to take?
I misplaced my phone yesterday, and couldn’t find it. I looked everywhere but it seemed to have vanished. I remembered using it just a few minutes ago, and now it wasn’t there. And so I had to use G’s phone and call my number to trace it as it rang. I had to make 3 calls before I found it. And on the screen it said 3 missed calls from G :'(. I don’t know how to describe what I felt; knowing that it was me who made those calls, it was still tough.
I know people make it through worse. And sometimes I feel I’m being too whiny when millions are dealing with war, starvation, genocide, and what not. But that’s the way the mind works, it’s not easy to put personal grief behind and see the larger picture. The horrors are worlds away, what I have lost is here and now. I have just about enough strength to lick my own wounds and that’s all I can do.
Off to nurse a headache now…
Miss you, you crazy man!