I don’t know if this is grief stage 2 or just extended PMS, but I am pissed off – at everything. And I’ve been in this mood for the longest time. I can’t even remember when it started; this anger. But it’s now taken a strong hold.
The painful choking of my heart and throat is still there, but the reason is anger now. It bubbles over now and then even when I try to hold it back it. I am snappy, irritable, unsocial. I’ve been at home now for the past 2 weeks, barely stepping out, not even to get some sun – I’ve been holed up. I can’t decide if it is to save myself from unnecessary agitation or to save people from getting a tongue lashing. Yes, there are a lot of things I bite back, words that die before they are formed. It’s easier to do it sometimes. Constant provocation may not yield the best results.
What am I angry at? I don’t know – at incompetent people, at people who expect too much, at people who have nothing to give, at people who assume too much. Generally with people. And with myself. I am here… he is not. That’s not how things were meant to be. And I am angry at my helplessness – the inability to do anything to change it.
Someone – a well meaning, if misguided soul – compared my situation with her breakup. She’d been seeing the guy for 7 years and they broke up. She thought it was the same thing as G’s death. I’ve been simmering ever since. Its true that people who haven’t known death can never know what it means. If you break up, go your separate ways, divorce, or any such thing… the person is still there. It’s your choice and there is still hope for a second chance. You know they live and breathe and are somewhere. When death comes, there is nothing. All is lost in a moment and you just reel with the shock of it. Death means never hearing their voice again, never looking at a living face, never ever having another chance. And death means having no choice.
I’m angry at people who pretend to understand. I am angry at people who offer advice. I am angry at people who pity me. I don’t need pity or advice, I need help, and time, and comfort of knowing someone has my back. If you can’t do any of this, don’t make it even more difficult for me.
And while I do my silent battle with the world, there are some people who stand by me, quietly. They don’t publicize that they help, they don’t make it obvious. But they do things that need to be done, things that will help me. They are a lovely couple who comes over every Friday, to meet me, to check what needs to get done, to do it without making any fuss, and sometimes without even asking me. Things like making sure I have a water supply or groceries, moving stuff for me, or sometimes just offering hugs when I am high and crying for G. You know who you are – I love you people.
It’s these things that make life a bit easier – and I don’t mean from a work load perspective. I can probably do it myself, or hire help to do it, but the feeling that they are willing to do it for me is so comforting. It takes a bit of a load off that feeling of being abandoned – because there are still people like them who care.