A meaningless achievement

When G was still around I wrote regularly for print and online publications. Even though it had become a norm, every time my article was published G made a big deal of it. He’d share it with everyone, tell me I’ve done an awesome job, and generally be really proud of it.

After his death though, I got a bit unhinged. Things were blurry, nothing made sense, and it took me forever to comprehend even a tiny little thing. So of course that writing was forgotten and instead I started this blog to pour out my sorrows.

Last month though I started making conscious effort to get back to a ‘functional’ work life where I at least contribute something to the business I’d set up with a few partners. And I thought I will start writing again too. So I wrote about something I am currently focused on – the vocational training center I’m trying to set up – and sent it to WEF.

Their response: “Thanks so much for sharing this piece: it was fascinating, backed up with lots of great data, and took a really interesting angle that we’ve not looked at on the blog before.”

Since I received it last night, I have read and re-read this mail may times. But I am not happy; because he’s not there to make me feel like it’s worth celebrating. He’s not there to praise it, and read it, and go around telling everyone that see…my wife did this.

This is also something that was so good about him. He appreciated everything I did.. no matter it were good or bad or ugly. He liked that I made the effort, and encouraged me to do more. Of course when I ended up doing silly stuff he teased me to high heavens, but at the slightest sign of my taking offense he’d just hug me and laugh silently.

Looking at this mail made me realize one thing – achievement is nothing when you are alone. You cannot savor it, you cannot comprehend what it means, you cannot care enough because that person who could show you it’s true value is missing.

If this had happened when he was around, his infectious enthusiasm would have made me laugh. Now, I cannot even muster up a smile.

Just shows that everything that happens to me ever will only make his absence felt even more keenly. That I’ll never be whole again, because my heart is gone forever.

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4 thoughts on “A meaningless achievement

  1. I get that totally – the reflected mirror of love and goodwill that is now smashed — I struggle with the same feeling about my artwork now that I am alone with the product of my labor. It is no less good – and part of my new found confidence of action is due to her profound influence on me. I am better today because of the time we had together – I can’t forget that —

    Liked by 1 person

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