Cleansing

The image above was a full front page ad in a national newspaper by Micromax for their smartphones. I thought it was in bad taste – having closely experienced death I find nothing frivolous in it. And so I posted it on my Facebook page hoping it’s some small step for more considerate advertising. Then the comment came; from someone I had attended college with – I don’t even recall him! He asked me to “calm down”, because this wasn’t that big a thing. And according to him “death happens” and he’s “lost a few near ones”!

Well if he can take the demise of his near ones so casually, who am I to judge. And if I can’t take my loss lightly, who is he to advise?

I wasn’t making a big deal of it. Just observing that ‘I’ found it in poor taste. I’d have probably ignored it if I wasn’t so knocked about by death in the first place. I wasn’t looking for sympathy, but I wasn’t looking for advise or talking down either. So blocked, and chapter closed. Thought, at this rate I’m sure my Facebook friends would dwindle to handful.

And today I did more than just blocking people whom I don’t know. Today I told my father never to contact me again. I don’t know how much of this is my story to tell and how much is my mom’s. But in a nutshell, I hate my father. I have never considered him my father and barely tolerated him as my mom insisted that he should be a part of our lives. He was abusive to us and our mother, they were divorced and he never showed any interest in our upbringing, he’s married again and screwing up his other relationship too. I’ve tolerated him for 34 years – no more. I don’t want to be around people who make me angry or upset or have nothing positive to contribute to a meeting. And so my father – if you can call him that – is out of the equation. I am sure he’ll go and give grief to my mom on this, but I’m not going to listen to her this time. I’ve had enough. And just telling him to buzz off makes me feel lighter. If only he is insulted enough to never see me again and dis-inherit me. What bliss!

I was suffering from a terrible migrate yesterday – perhaps knowing that he was in my city triggered it. And today, the headache is finally gone. Though my heart did skip a few beats as I sat working in front of my window that looks out to the common corridor. From my position, I could only see people’s torsos as they walked about. I was expecting a friend and as the elevator pinged I looked outside to see who’s come in. And there they were – a pair of crisp grey trousers, a black belt and a white striped shirt walking towards my door! I kept staring feeling that G was coming home. Even when the trousers vanished I kept staring, thinking he must be here any second. Only then the realization – and the disappointment – sunk in that whoever it was must have gone to the neighbors house.

I don’t think I’ll ever stop looking out for him. No matter how many people I block or cast out, he is someone who’s footsteps I will always listen for…

 

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2 thoughts on “Cleansing

  1. I know that blocking thing well. Sometimes it does good, often not. As a long-time practitioner of blocking – and I am at pro level on that one, let me admit – I have come to realize that it is a poor defense mechanism. Use it sparingly.

    Liked by 1 person

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