It’s been a while since I posted, though I’ve had words running crazy in my head. These past 10 days my mom, sis and niece were in town. So the days were busy without really getting anything done. And also I hate writing in front of people. I am at my most vulnerable when I do this, and I need my space.
I’ve been thinking of introducing us here for the longest time. At least since I posted about the trust fund I started in his name (which had his name anyways).I’ve written about who we
are were as a couple before and I’ve told you our story. I’ve put faces to the story and it was time to give them a name as well. I am Supriya and that’s Gaurav with me in the pic above. This one was taken in Vegas, I don’t remember which hotel though. The only good pictures I have of me are with Gaurav.
It’s strange to type out his name here… and yet so right.
Since he’s been gone all I want to do is talk about him, but I no longer have people to do that. Everyone has other things to do now (don’t blame me for envying happy lives) and they don’t want to get caught up in something that’s done and dusted. It’s not that I have something new to say – how many times can I expect them to hear out the same stories?
And so I keep writing here, telling them to myself and some of you who’ve found this blog.
It’s strange how my own mother seems to have forgotten my predicament. All the while she was here we never once spoke about Gaurav. We didn’t have a chance to. My sis and mom were on a constant warpath, about things that sound petty to me now. Why create strife about things that don’t matter? Who said what to whom, who’s right who’s not? What does it matter? In the end we all end up regretting everything. I kept myself out of the unpleasantness as much as I could – I couldn’t afford to be involved. I have a baby to make, and that means no stress. I said as much – if you can’t help me, don’t hinder me. And if you insist on hindering me, I’ll just blank you out.
It’s not mom’s fault – she suffers from anxiety and builds up any little thing in to a matter of paramount importance. But she refuses to see a doctor and you cannot even bring up medication though she needs it. It’s not my sister’s fault either – she has her own battles to fight. Perhaps they shouldn’t have been here together. Anyways, lesson learnt.
People also find it odd when I look for signs of him and his presence and when I talk about them. When I found Popcorn again, I really believed Gaurav had directed me to him. But when I said the same thing to a few people I was met with dismissive laughs and noncommittal statements that were as clear as saying “don’t be a nut!”. So I stopped talking about that too, and wrote instead.
I have lots more to say. Things that have happened over years in May, places we’ve been to and things that we’ve done. Another day…another time.
For now… thanks for reading.