Revisiting the baby project

One month remains till I start again. One month to calm down. It’s not going as planned. I was getting back on track these past few months. Focusing on little things, doing my job, taking care of Hash, just being in my safe zone. It seemed to be working. And now, these past few days have been terrible. Just yesterday I howled like no body’s business – admittedly I was buzzed. But I think the place had as much to contribute as the alcohol.

I went to a sports bar for a friend’s kid’s birthday. It was the same place I’d come with almost the same group – including Gaurav – for paintball. I still have the mark where his shot hit me. I’d tried my hand at archery and he’d done some rock climbing. And the wall he climbed was right in front of me! I ignored it, till one guy actually started climbing. Perhaps it was the sight, or the alcohol that had taken effect, or that everyone there was a couple – whatever the trigger the tears started and wouldn’t stop. I was mortified that I am ruining the kid’s party, but I had to run away. I came home, I don’t even remember how, and poor Hash had to look at me while I took him in my arms and cried.

I shouldn’t be upset now. I shouldn’t be taking little things to heart. I should focus on meditation and exercise – but all that’s not happening. I’ve lost the discipline. I’ve given in to grief. I drink because it helps, I binge on food, I bake because it’s relaxing and I lie around all day watching the walls. Somewhere I fear this will ruin my baby plans, somewhere it says it won’t. When I was with Gaurav I had one of the best egg retrievals of the many cycles I have undergone since. I was eating and drinking everything then! And since then it’s been dwindling to nothingness – even as I tried to practice healthy living. So what’s the point?

I’m going to be in Mumbai soon, almost the same time as when we started this journey last year. My first egg retrieval started on 17 Jul, with embryo transfer happening on 4th August. I’ve tried very hard to finish things earlier this year. I wanted to have the transfer in Feb. But all my attempts have gone to waste. Perhaps it had to happen in this time frame – a fulfillment of the loss last year. I lost 3 souls last August – perhaps I’ll gain one this year.

I’m going to figure out some means of keeping myself happy the day of the ET. They say it helps. Last time, even after egg retrieval I cried a lot – because I was alone. I’ll be alone this time too.No relatives for sure – that’s too complicated. Perhaps I’ll get an acupuncture session scheduled. They say it helps.

This will be the last egg retrieval – just because it has to stop somewhere and hopefully it’ll be closer to the number of eggs I agreed on with my doctor. She’s confident that i’ll be pregnant the first time, I wish I had some of that optimism. When so much is taken, why should things be any easier now? The worst part is that we are flying blind. I’ve never been pregnant before. So they don’t know if I’m likely to miscarry. The last time was an exceptional circumstance, so that doesn’t count. I’m scared that some embryos might be just lost because of this lack of pre-history. I am scared that I won’t even have enough good embryos. I am scared that it won’t work.

So many of my hopes are pinned on this one thing. So much rests on this one procedure. It’s my chance to snatch him back from the claws of death. To get a piece of him back to me. It’s a fight bigger than anything I’ve fought before – And I am terrified I’ll fail!

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