Anxious, unsettled, insomniac

The past few weeks have been really unsettling and I can’t pin point the cause. Is it because I haven’t stepped out of the house at all? Is it because I’m not eating well? It is just anxiety about what’s to come? I don’t really know. And to add to that, the weird dreams are back. Now I’m not even on the meds!

I’d started taking some Ayurvedic supplements to help me sleep better. They seemed to work for a few days – or was that just exhaustion? But in the last few days even that hasn’t worked.

Yesterday in my fitful sleep I dreamed again. I don’t remember the details now…but one presence I still retain. I know there was a guy with me, who cared for me and generally got me out of tough spots. Who kissed me, as a friend at first and then a real kiss. The strange thing was, I couldn’t identify him. In all my dreams previously, I have had a sense of Gaurav being there – even if I can’t see his face. Perhaps it was so in this dream too, but I just can’t seem to recall it. And then I woke up with a headache that got worse as the day progressed.

This is so not the state I am supposed to be in. I took a 3 month break to become calm, collected, and in a better state of mind. And it hasn’t worked. I’m more stressed, if possible. Things haven’t gone my way lately, and now every little thing that goes wrong bothers me. I tried re-starting meditation today – didn’t work. I couldn’t sit still or concentrate for more than 5 minutes. It’s in times like these that a glass of wine sounds like the perfect solution. Still, the least I can do is go off alcohol.

I’m really worried now if this is going to hamper my last cycle. I don’t want to wait anymore otherwise I’ll just get stuck here. But I don’t want this to not work out either. Such a dilemma, and one I can’t even discuss with Gaurav. He’d know what to do. He always knew. Somehow talking to him made taking decisions easier – one way or another. Now all I can do is brood over them myself, same questions running around in my head, with no solution in sight.

Not knowing what to do has perhaps made it worse. I want to not care about stuff, I want to not bother about anything that’s happening around me – least of all work. But I can’t let go. Maybe the week before I go i’ll just handover everything?

I don’t want Gaurav’s death to become my excuse to shirk my duties. But I haven’t been able to define that boundary yet. Where does the mourning end? Does it ever? When is it time to put it behind and focus on the present? Can you put it behind? When will the mood swings go away, how to make them stop? When will every thing I do not be tinged with tears – silent or violent?

With Gaurav around, life was so much simpler. I haven’t been feeling all that well these past few days (is that contributing to the anxiety?) and when he was there he’d hug me, cuddle me, make a cup of chai or just put a hand or foot around me to reassure me of his presence. Yesterday I needed that presence so bad! Everything ached and I longed for a hug. There wasn’t one forthcoming.

It’s these little things that hurt me more than his absence. That I can never have that hug because that absence is eternal and not just long drawn. I’d like to believe in rebirth now, or a place after death where people meet again. I wasn’t a believer ever, but now if I could wish it true I would. At least that’s the promise I’ve made to him and to myself.



5 thoughts on “Anxious, unsettled, insomniac

  1. No one will ever understand what you are going through and no words will be enough to heal I know . But just a thought while read this one – It was not his choice to go away and he is as lonely as you are but what aches him most is to see the love of his life this way. You have come this far may be its worth a shot just for him.. Love you

    Liked by 1 person

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