Paralyzed…

…is that the word I am looking for? Does it describe my situation – one that I have placed myself in willingly and now am unable to overcome?

I sit at home all days, rarely if ever venturing out. I’ve stopped all forms of physical exercise and my body is rebelling against it. I find myself in a stupor most of the times, or sick to the stomach. Getting up is an effort – I feel dizzy attempting it – and I try and get out of any outing that presents itself. I don’t cook anymore – just order in some junk and fried stuff. That makes me feel worse, but I keep at it.

All I do is look at my phone – over and over again. At Facebook, Whatsapp and calls – refreshing it every few seconds to see if someone has reached out. And wondering if I should message instead and then retreating for the fear that I might be interrupting.

I’ve lost the plot in conversations. I don’t know what to talk that isn’t about Gaurav. I’ve lost my ability to focus on the surroundings. At work calls I am barely present, my mind wanders off on tangents that have nothing to do with work. In personal conversations I nod and pretend, while I am somewhere far away in nothingness.

Gaurav and I had a joke. I had spent years asking him “What are you thinking about” whenever he looked lost in thought. He aways said “nothing”. So I adapted and asked instead “are you done thinking about nothing”, and we’d laugh. Well I am thinking about nothing now… and there is no one to bring me out of this stupor.

I need to buy some supplies, those that I haven’t been able to find online. I need to go to a dermatologist to ask about a strange thing that steroid injection is doing to my skin. I need to get some sun to not drop my levels of Vit D (really needed for the IVF). I need to do so many things that I haven’t done. The only thing i’ve managed is visits to the vet, and only because Hash is dependent on me and cannot go alone.

I know I must get out of this. I know I need to move around, to do things, to eat healthy, to feel healthy. But I just cannot muster up the energy to do it. It just feels pointless doing it alone. Everyday is another reminder – get off your ass, do something – and I make up another excuse to procrastinate.

What would you call it if not paralyzed?

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6 thoughts on “Paralyzed…

  1. This is exactly where I am too. I’ve been looking for a word to call it, and paralyzed is absolutely perfect. I have no motivation, I go through each day sitting and staring. I don’t even WANT to be a part of anything. I know that it’s getting bad, and becoming so easy to slip down the rabbit hole. But I have no energy and no drive to try and get myself up and out.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I think perhaps you have found the word!

    I’ve been a very dark place again for a few months now but I’m slowly pulling myself back again. I started therapy and have had 3 sessions now. I went to therapy because I knew I was in a very very bad place – but the therapy hasn’t done anything but frustrate me because my psychologist drives me nuts!! So perhaps it’s even made things worse! I’ve just cancelled tomorrow’s session.

    What I have done though is really focused on the things that make me ok. It took me a little while but I’ve finally figure out those things stop when I start the slide down. So I force myself to do them because despite not really feeling like it, they do genuinely help. They are my calm. Those things for me are music, jogging, cooking and reading. Think about it – what are yours?

    The hardest thing for me to actually realise is that we have a choice and we have to make it no matter how hard it is. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I want to be present in my life. I want to present in my kids lives. So I have to make the choice to find my calm and find my happy.

    Hold on please. I am so pleased you got Hash – at least he’s making you venture out a little.

    And sunshine yes get as much of that as you can because how lucky are we to feel that warmth on our skin?

    I think maybe a little while ago you suggest massage to me, because you said it help. I’m think I’m going to take myself for one this week. You should too.

    Huge huge hugs xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m sorry the therapy isn’t helping. It didn’t help me either. And I know I have to get out of this rut. I just need to start trying. Cooking and reading is my thing too 🙂 and massages of course. I’ve been ordering in for the past 10 days or so, maybe time to cook up something nice. It sucks to make it for one though :(.

      And yes, fixing a massage appointment for this week. Should help 🙂 especially since I won’t be able to get anymore once I get that embryo transfer.

      And yes, Hash is a bright spark – at least I do things for him, otherwise I wouldn’t have even got out of bed!

      Thank you for encouraging me, I feel better already reading it.. Some sort of resolve forming. Hopefully I’ll carry it through.

      Sending you and your babies a lot of love!

      Like

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