…is that the word I am looking for? Does it describe my situation – one that I have placed myself in willingly and now am unable to overcome?
I sit at home all days, rarely if ever venturing out. I’ve stopped all forms of physical exercise and my body is rebelling against it. I find myself in a stupor most of the times, or sick to the stomach. Getting up is an effort – I feel dizzy attempting it – and I try and get out of any outing that presents itself. I don’t cook anymore – just order in some junk and fried stuff. That makes me feel worse, but I keep at it.
All I do is look at my phone – over and over again. At Facebook, Whatsapp and calls – refreshing it every few seconds to see if someone has reached out. And wondering if I should message instead and then retreating for the fear that I might be interrupting.
I’ve lost the plot in conversations. I don’t know what to talk that isn’t about Gaurav. I’ve lost my ability to focus on the surroundings. At work calls I am barely present, my mind wanders off on tangents that have nothing to do with work. In personal conversations I nod and pretend, while I am somewhere far away in nothingness.
Gaurav and I had a joke. I had spent years asking him “What are you thinking about” whenever he looked lost in thought. He aways said “nothing”. So I adapted and asked instead “are you done thinking about nothing”, and we’d laugh. Well I am thinking about nothing now… and there is no one to bring me out of this stupor.
I need to buy some supplies, those that I haven’t been able to find online. I need to go to a dermatologist to ask about a strange thing that steroid injection is doing to my skin. I need to get some sun to not drop my levels of Vit D (really needed for the IVF). I need to do so many things that I haven’t done. The only thing i’ve managed is visits to the vet, and only because Hash is dependent on me and cannot go alone.
I know I must get out of this. I know I need to move around, to do things, to eat healthy, to feel healthy. But I just cannot muster up the energy to do it. It just feels pointless doing it alone. Everyday is another reminder – get off your ass, do something – and I make up another excuse to procrastinate.
What would you call it if not paralyzed?