I don’t feel like a widow…

That’s what I’d tell you if we were having coffee.

But we are not. And today, I just sit and stare at this screen. I don’t know how to put in to words the stuff that’s going on in my head. Or my heart really, because that’s where I have this choked feeling and physical pain. Usually when I start writing, some instances come to mind. Something about Gaurav, our time together, or just what’s happening with me these days. Today seems to be weird. I need to get this knot out of me, I need some release in tears. So I wait.

In less than 2 months, he’d have been gone a year. Yet, I don’t feel like a widow. I miss him in little things every day. I see him smile at me from a picture frame. I know in my head that he’s gone. But I don’t feel him gone. I could just pick up the phone and call him to tell him about my day, to argue with him about some little thing, to ask him if he wants to go out tonight. He could walk in at the door now.

I’ve been laughing, eating, sleeping, working, weeping… I’ve been living… and it sucks. People think I’m okay now, since it’s been a while and I do look and act like nothing is amiss. But once when the doors are locked for the night, and the world has gone to their own homes, it’s just me, sitting alone, wondering what to do next.

And at these time everything that has happened rankles. Like a question I got asked yesterday. I am taking time off from work starting next week – I need to get to a really calm state before I attempt this last egg retrieval. So I went for this client meeting to sort out some stuff. We mentioned that someone else will continue the project in my stead, as I will be back only in August/September. And someone asked if I was going to be married! I went numb, but still managed to smile and deflect with a ‘just taking a break’; but my heart was already hammering and I wanted to yell “I am married and my husband is dead”. I somehow made some small talk till we left. But the statement has not left me yet. And nor has the fact that I don’t feel like a widow.

I look at his pics, the same ones, over and over again. Him smiling at me, with me (I loved his smile – it could really light up a room) and I feel guilty. Guilty for being here, for doing things he no longer can. And I just want him to come back. I wouldn’t mind swapping places either. He can wait here, while I get a taste of the beyond. That would have been better – he knew how to live, I don’t. So why is this burden on my shoulders? Why couldn’t it be him! If someone had to stay back alone, he should have!

He would never be cooped up at home. He’d have rallied everyone around him. He’d have reached out to friends to tide him over in his grief. I can’t do that. If anything, I’m curling deeper and deeper in to myself. I no longer have a will to talk about anything – I still prattle – but that’s to fill up the silence. I am tired of pretending. It’s tremendous effort for me to meet people – I feel good when I do meet them, but I don’t take the initiative. All I think about is the baby. I have no other desires – I don’t want to go out, I don’t want to work, I don’t want a house or a fancy car anymore. Sure I talk about them, but all I want is that baby.

And I’m going to be the best mother ever…

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13 thoughts on “I don’t feel like a widow…

  1. I totally understand how you are feeling. I lost my wife nine years ago after 36 wonderful years together.

    I allowed myself to grieve for the first year. Then I was determined to let her go and carve out a new life – life without her. I concluded that while the grieving process was necessary in the short term, it was not healthy to allow it to go on indefinitely. Grieving was a self-centered process and did nothing to help her, advance her memory, or help me cope with the loss. In fact, it prevented me from living a normal life again. I knew that she wanted me to be happy, something that is not possible while grieving.

    After the year, the only thoughts I allowed were happy thoughts and memories of her that made me smile and be ever so grateful for the time we had together. I made it a point to turn my focus to helping other people rather than allowing myself to be consumed by my loss.

    I think that you know in your heart that grief is not what he wants for you. He knows how much you love him and he wants you to move on and be happy again.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Then don’t be alone. Keep yourself busy with family and friends and doing things you like to do. Break away from constant thoughts of him and your life together. Start thinking about how you want to spend your new life. Get out and try some new things. Start living again! I promise you nothing will make him happier.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Pingback: widow. | kleBOLDs.
  3. Thinking of you as you take this break in order to find your calm place. Remember to keep doing the things that calm you! Get that sunshine on your face.

    I’ve done the same thing, thinking about if I had gone and Daniel was left behind and how differently he would have handled his grief. But you know what?? Until you are experiencing this, you do not know how you will react. So while we think they would handle things much differently (and so much better dare I say it) to us, maybe they wouldn’t. We do the best we can, and that’s all we can do. One foot in front of the other xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! I plan to start a routine and include yoga, meditation and healthy eating in it. And of course binge watching comedy. Keeping my fingers crossed!

      One of the best things I think that’s happened with this blog is that I was able to connect with wonderful people like you. It really feels as if you are standing with me and rooting for me. Thank you!

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  4. I lost my husband a year and a half ago… just more than that, actually. We were married less than 3 years. I miss him. Every day. Every minute. I miss him. And I used to think about what he would do if it were him still here and not me. And I don’t know. But I know what he would want for me. What he wants. He wants me to be happy. I do have our baby, and I’m so sorry you didn’t get that with him. I wanted more, we were trying for more. And I have grieved the loss of those babies I will never have. I still grieve them. But I know what he wants. He wants me to be happy. Finding out what that is means finding me. I am trying. I know he’s proud. And from what you’ve written, I am sure your husband is proud of you! Because this is the hardest thing to go through. But you are here and you are writing… and you are making it. Somehow, some way. You’re making it.

    Liked by 1 person

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