Since Gaurav died many well meaning souls have tried to direct me towards spiritual healing. Some recommend new religions, some established gurus, and some direct me to spiritual texts and meditation. I’ve listened patiently to all the advice and direction, but my firm belief is that everyone owns their spiritual inclination. And if you are as strong headed as I am – taking direction is not in our nature.
And while I try and deflect these attempts at induction in to whatever they believe in, I mull over what my belief is. I was always an atheist. I have never believed in God. For the longest time, when I was quite young, I told people “you believe in God; I believe in my mother”. Even when my mother got in to a religious frenzy post her 50’s, even when I married a guy with strong religious beliefs, I could never align myself to the idea of God.
Strangely, I’ve read many religious texts. I also like going to places of worship that are calm and serene and vibrate with this positive energy. I love the sounds of chants. But the idea of God that’s prevalent today doesn’t appeal to me. I’ve never believed that praying is a solution for anything. I do however believe in destiny. But we have to work towards that destiny – it’s not something that will fall in to your lap while praying.
I feel the ancients understood the idea of God and religion better than we do now. And somewhere along the way it got lost in rituals and mumbo jumbo. Earlier religion was more of a guideline to live a better life in harmony with those around you. Somewhere along the way it’s turned in to the biggest cause of global strife! Why should I believe in something that leads to more deaths than anything else?
The more I think about it, the more I know that my path to spirituality lies in Karma – that one is a master of one’s own destiny, that as you sow, so shall you reap. Doesn’t the adage say “treat others as how you want to be treated”? I think that has so many possibilities of extension. And by that extension, my spiritual inclination is towards humanity.
When I was a kid, I’d fight with my mother over a lamp she kept burning on Deepawali. I said that the Ghee that she burned away could be used by kids in orphanages for nutrition. I had the same disagreement with Gaurav too, so for any donation he made to the temple, we’d agreed that a similar amount was given by him to charity.
I’ve worked with underprivileged kids for some time, and the happiness I got when I spent time with them doesn’t compare with anything else that I have done. So I think I’m going to do this thing that brings me inner peace – help people where I can. Be it a small thing like listening to their troubles, or a big one where I could make some difference to their lives. And perhaps on this road I shall find God. Or not.