I’m lonely…

…that’s what I would tell you if we were having coffee right now. I have been meaning to put this loneliness in to words over the past week, but I can’t. There is no way to describe it, to quantify it, to define it.

I just know that there is a lot in my life that’s just an empty space now. There is a lot that I can’t do anymore – like act on my impulses, have someone to fall back on, talk to someone for hours, know that someone is watching my back, know that someone is waiting for me at home.

I’d also tell you that sometimes the loneliness can get so overpowering that your mind starts playing tricks on you. I was walking Hash a few days ago, and I was struggling with this intense longing to see Gaurav. And I saw him… walking towards me. And as he came nearer his clothes changed, and I saw him in 3 of his favorite tees. It was a scene from a movie playing in front of my eyes. I think the desire got the better of reality and decided to take matters in its own hands. He can’t be there, but his image can, his presence can. So by subconscious is trying to make peace with that.

It’s getting cold in Bangalore, the rains have brought in a chill. One body is not enough to warm the blankets and I shiver away most of the time. That’s messing with my sleep and the waking up in the middle of the night is back on. Result – I am exhausted. And that I can’t share this burden with anyone makes it worse.

Oh I forgot. From now on I am sticking to coffee and saying good bye to alcohol. One because I need to do it for the IVF to have a decent change. But more importantly, it makes me cry and make a fool of myself in front of people.

Yesterday we went out with our team to celebrate almost a year of starting our own business. I woke up in the morning, ready to leave, and then I didn’t want to go anymore. Even as I was driving, I didn’t feel like getting there. Earlier, when anything like this happened, I’d just call him and vent. No such luck now. So I gritted my teeth, shed copious tears with the songs playing on the radio, and carried on. Once there, I thought I was holding out well. We drank, we walked, we played… and then someone asked me if I was doing ok. Out of the blue. So unexpected. It hit the spot and the tears started. I feel horrible when I cry in front of people. It makes me look weak. It makes me look as if I am creating a scene. I don’t want to cry in public. It’s MY grief. The world has moved on – I hate it for that – and I don’t want to be pulling it back in to this. But exhaustion, alcohol and the suddenness of that question undid me. I wish no one ever asks me “How are you doing?” How do YOU think I am doing? Just leave me be!

We finally left and I came home. I had originally planned to stay over at my in-laws, but some plans changed and I had to drop off a few people. It was raining, we were drenched and in an AC car, the traffic was crazy and by the time I was nearing home I was ready to sleep on the wheel. I called someone to just keep talking while I got home – 10 minutes away – and got yelled at. I am sure they had good intentions – they wanted me to park the car and take a cab. That would have been easier if I wasn’t so close to home I guess. And then after 5 minutes we cut the call with an advise to “message when you get home”. I couldn’t help but compare. I think when you are with someone, or married to them there is a certain kind of responsibility. Gaurav would have kept talking. Rather he’s have asked me to stop by the side of the road and come to pick me up – not just because the house was close, but because I needed him. Or if he wasn’t around, he’s have sent someone to help. He had that kind of friends, people who’d do anything for him.

He did that for me. I remember once I had a flat tyre and I wasn’t able to change it. There was no mechanic around and it was getting late. I called him – we were dating then – and he was some 30 kms away. He said I should get back in the car and he’s on his way. But he knew that it’ll take him time to come over, so while on his way he called up some people who were close by to reach me and keep me company till he got there. They showed up, fixed the tyre, and we happily waited for him to show up.

Anyway, I managed to get home, but I was tired and cold – and hungry. But there was no food at home except for one pav bun. And I couldn’t be bothered to cook or stay awake it anything I ordered arrived. So I took that pav to bed with me, and a bottle of water. And I ate it while sleeping. I’d shake myself awake, drink a sip of water, take a bite of the bun, chew, and doze off. And all the while my mind was replaying the countless times where Gaurav fed me when I was too drunk to eat myself. I can see myself sitting like a zombie while he coaxes me to eat maggie or rotis or dal-rice; spoon feeding me till i’d managed the amount he deemed fit.

How do you not miss someone who thought you were the center of the world? It’s very selfish, isn’t it? Perhaps it serves me right to be lonely. It’s at least taught me to value people’s time.

I miss you G! I wish you were here now.

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