It’s 11th July… eleven months since he died. Today was also the start of my final egg retrieval process. I went for a preliminary scan to determine when to stop the pill and get ready for the shots. I sat in the waiting room and cried. Big, fat tears rolling down my cheeks as fellow patients squirmed uncomfortably. Public crying is embarrassing for everyone. But I couldn’t help it! Felt better after a friend spent some time with me and fed me ice cream. These little things can mean so much! Thank you!

Finally the scan was over and the results sent off to my doctor in Mumbai. The date is set, I am off on 14th July and I have a feeling my treatment will start on 17th July, just like the last year. That gives me a few days to get there, get settled, do soIMG_1503.jpgme tests etc. It does mean I may have to stay there for a few extra days, but better early than late.

This time I’m not alone. I’m taking a piece of him with me. A friend helped me put his hair in a locket, and that’s now my charm necklace. I never wore my mangalsutra unless there was a traditional gathering/ ceremony – I hated the chain around my neck – but this one is not coming off…

Spoke to a friend today, someone who’s suffered similar loss. And we agreed that they have never left us, when we need them most, they are there as our guardian angels. And I know when I am there in that hospital bed, Gaurav will be curled up right next to me… just like last year. He also bought me books to while away the waiting time, and chocolates to take away the dreadful aftertaste from anesthesia. I’ll do the book and chocolate buying myself as long as I know he’s doing the curling up!

I’m excited to go, and I want to make this work. So I’m doing everything I can to cheer myself up, even on a horrible day like this. Today it meant binge eating and reading a Dilbert digest. And after a whole day of putting it off, I finally wrote this blog too. I didn’t want to, because I knew it’d make me cry again. But now that i’ve done it, I feel lighter.

Tomorrow is a packed day. I’m going to buy some stuff I need, head over to meet some women for the vocational training institute, and take Hash to get him some grooming before I leave him at a friend’s place. Then Wednesday packing, and I am off early Thursday morning. Looks quite planned, but I’ve learnt that plans are only made to be disrupted by something beyond our control. So let’s see what the next few days bring.

Keeping my fingers crossed…


5 thoughts on “Eleven

  1. Oh I’m thinking such good thoughts for you!! Keep practicing that self-care, it’s SOOOOO important!! Whether it’s massage or acupuncture or playing with your puppy or – heck yeah – ice cream, it’s all good 🙂

    My mom said that before my stepdad died he told her “you’ll see me in other people” and she said that’s been very true in these three months since his passing. I hope you see your sweetheart’s eyes in others and feel his presence as you go through this chapter and that you find comfort as you continue to move through the pain to somewhere stronger and brighter . Hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

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