Intuition is a strong thing. We know what’s going to happen before it does. I knew things weren’t going well and they aren’t. I had my scan yesterday and the number of follicles is miserable – almost the same as the cycle that failed. And this is the last one for me – I’m exhausted physically, mentally, and financially. So whatever happenes the fertilisation is going to happen this time.
But knowing that it’s not working was too much. I’ve done everything I could think of to make it work, I can’t do anymore. And the fact that all my attempts are wasted was too much to handle alone. Result? I shed copious tears in the clinic corridor and almost everyone saw me making a fool of myself. Once started, the tears didn’t stop and i spent the whole day with a red nose and bloodshot eyes.
I think it’d have worked if Gaurav was with me. I think what would make it work was his presence. That he were sitting next to me, holding my hand, and letting me lean in on his shoulder when I get weary of the travel and the shots. But he can’t be, and that’s the missing ingredient. I’m back at the clinic now and can’t help thinking how things would have been different with him. One, he’d have known everyone in the clinic – from the cleaner to the doctor, he’d have cracked jokes and made me feel better, I could have vented the frustration of this and he’d have heard me patiently. He would have been a male presence, a warm body next to mine on the cold waiting room sofa. As it is, it’s just me, shivering in a shawl and trying not to look at the other couples here or the men running around to get their wives admitted or helping them out or carrying their bags.
The last thing I want is to feel alone – that’s sure not going to help.
Overal yesterday was a bad day. After leaving the clinic I was stuck in traffic for 3 hours – cold and hungry and rapidly developing a massive headache.
But at least I spoke to my doctor and she’s recommended Accupuncture. I have an appointment today, let’s see how it goes. We’ll do ICSI for fertilisation to make sure every egg gets fertilised and she’s assured me that she’ll save his sample too. So in case nothing works this time I still have some hope.
I am bugged….