31st July – today marks one year according to Hindu calendar since Gaurav died. Those who know have called to ask if I am doing ok. I am, I don’t feel anything. For me he was still there last year on 31st July. So I am still with him, still sharing memories, anticipating a baby together. I don’t feel that a year has gone by. I think my day of reckoning is 11 days away.
There was a puja today at Gokarna – the same place where his last rites were done. We didn’t go, only his younger brother did. One thing was a first for me today – I observed a convention; a ritual. On these days their custom is to eat sattivk aahar – or simply prepared vegetarian food without onions and garlic. And contrary to the usual disdain I show to these customs I followed it. I even went and kept some food aside for a crow before I ate. Death changes you – it shapes new beliefs, new outlooks, and a new thinking. I am open to a lot more than before.
I did want the scholarships to be given on or before this day, so we managed to close it. Five students received certificates and the amount will be paid directly to their institutions. Donations for uniforms and books can be made on http://www.gauravshanbhagtrust.com
Today our embryos also reached day 3 stage – all 15 eggs made embryos and 7-8 of them are growing well. How many make it to day 5 remains to be seen. They will then be frozen and 2-3 will be implanted when I go back in September.
For now getting ready to go back to work. No point sitting idle anymore!