Battling Demons

The dreaded date is just 2 days away and saying I am jittery is an understatement. I don’t know what my reaction would be, but I know I don’t want it to be public. I know it sounds crazy. Sane people seek companionship when they are going through a bad phase – I just want solitude. It’s also selfish. I know it’s not my grief alone – his family grieves too, and perhaps they need company?

Is it paranoid to be thinking of THE DATE weeks in advance? What if I just forget about it and just skip the day altogether? I’ve already got a bottle of wine that can do just that. I could sleep through it to the next day and push the demons to the next year… How do people do it? So many lose loved ones every day… what are they doing to jump over milestones?

I’ve been contemplating scenarios – going out of town, staying in a hotel, locking myself in my room, and even going to office! So far only the room seems to work. I can’t leave the house I think. But sitting in a group solemnly is not going to work for me either. I can’t have people telling me not to cry or consoling me – I’m damned well going to cry; as much as I want to and getting consoled just makes me angry. See, there is crazy again. I mean who says no to a shoulder to cry on?

But I’ve never been good with emotions and now is not the time to learn. I’ve always dealt with turbulences in my life my own way and not many people have known what’s going inside my head. I can laugh when I am miserable, just to save face and not let the vulnerability show through. And I want to face this day alone – whether I can, is a different question. I know there will be knocks on the door, and at some point I have to let people in – but it won’t be willingly. At least they’ll find some good alcohol to keep them company, if not me. I went and bought his favorite whiskeys yesterday. He loved to entertain and our bar was never empty when he was around. I had let it go, dwindling to semi-filled bottles of whatever was leftover. It’s remedied now at least and if I can’t do a party in his native place, I can at least supply the ingredients.

I’m restless, sleepless, and I’m losing my mind!

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9 thoughts on “Battling Demons

  1. I always read your posts with tears in my eyes….It’s going to be a year but like all distant friends that we stay connected in our hearts n mind…Gaurav is also there in this world for me….I don’t think I will not meet him again…he is also a long lost friend for me…

    Your pain is unimaginable but all I can say is think of Gaurav as a distant friend that you might accidentally bump into one day or might not…like all of us. Lots of love to you

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s not selfish or insane, it’s totally normal. With my miscarriage, I don’t want to see anyone, I don’t want to leave my house in case I run into a neighbor or just have to be perky and crap. I even canceled my therapy appointment today because I can’t drive all the way across town and don’t want to be around another human (especially my therapist who is not a hugger). Dan and I always make it a point that when waiting for the news on infertility treatment that we have a place to go out of town away from the world. If there’s any quiet place you can go even for just one night away from your regular life, have it planned, somewhere you can cry, scream, punch a pillow, or even celebrate if the news is good)…but don’t ever think that doing what’s best for You is a bad thing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Aimee! I wish I had a getaway. But a woman alone going anywhere here is unfortunately not a safe thing. So I’m going to make my room my sanctuary and cry here. Or maybe not even that. I don’t know yet! I’ll just let the day decide what happens and I’ll do what makes me feel better… If anything can.

      And thank you for taking the time to reach out in your moment of grief! I really appreciate it! I hope your getaway brings you some peace.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Hey Supriya..take a call on how u feel at that moment and do it accordingly and I do travel alone many times can help u suggest some places which are easy and safe..in case u want to…just remember “this too shall pass”.. And what we resist it persists what we accept is what transforms..so if u feel like shedding ur tears do that..
    And it’s OK..lots of love and hugs..

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I read your blogs and I feel for you. It will be one year for me as a widow in a couple of days. Last week would have been my 27th wedding anniversary. I am on a 3 week trip to the opposite side of the world (Thailand) you have to do what you want to do this year. Always focus on the good parts you had. That helps me.

    Like

    1. Yes, I had read your posts too, and I’m glad you are traveling and doing new things. I’m just waiting for the baby project to finish and then the little one and I will be traveling too. There is so much to learn when doing things alone – it’s as if the world has changed!

      Thank you for writing in. My thoughts are with you!

      Like

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