The dreaded date is just 2 days away and saying I am jittery is an understatement. I don’t know what my reaction would be, but I know I don’t want it to be public. I know it sounds crazy. Sane people seek companionship when they are going through a bad phase – I just want solitude. It’s also selfish. I know it’s not my grief alone – his family grieves too, and perhaps they need company?
Is it paranoid to be thinking of THE DATE weeks in advance? What if I just forget about it and just skip the day altogether? I’ve already got a bottle of wine that can do just that. I could sleep through it to the next day and push the demons to the next year… How do people do it? So many lose loved ones every day… what are they doing to jump over milestones?
I’ve been contemplating scenarios – going out of town, staying in a hotel, locking myself in my room, and even going to office! So far only the room seems to work. I can’t leave the house I think. But sitting in a group solemnly is not going to work for me either. I can’t have people telling me not to cry or consoling me – I’m damned well going to cry; as much as I want to and getting consoled just makes me angry. See, there is crazy again. I mean who says no to a shoulder to cry on?
But I’ve never been good with emotions and now is not the time to learn. I’ve always dealt with turbulences in my life my own way and not many people have known what’s going inside my head. I can laugh when I am miserable, just to save face and not let the vulnerability show through. And I want to face this day alone – whether I can, is a different question. I know there will be knocks on the door, and at some point I have to let people in – but it won’t be willingly. At least they’ll find some good alcohol to keep them company, if not me. I went and bought his favorite whiskeys yesterday. He loved to entertain and our bar was never empty when he was around. I had let it go, dwindling to semi-filled bottles of whatever was leftover. It’s remedied now at least and if I can’t do a party in his native place, I can at least supply the ingredients.
I’m restless, sleepless, and I’m losing my mind!