The last night together

10th August 2015 was our last night together. I can’t believe it’s been a year. And I don’t remember what we did either. I try to recall what we had for dinner, what we talked about, did we cuddle and sleep; but I can’t remember anything! What I do remember is the day that’s coming tomorrow. I remember booking a cab for him, I remember him standing at the door with his backpack – ready to go. I remember the food he sent me and the last call we ever had. But I don’t remember today.

And I know why – because today – a year ago – was such an ordinary day. Today we didn’t know that it was the last night together. Today we were living forever. So remembering the details wasn’t important. Holding each other close wasn’t important. Saying ‘I love you’ wasn’t important. Did we even eat together? Or wait for the other person to come to bed before falling asleep? I don’t know. Nothing remains of today – it’s as if it didn’t happen, like the countless other days that people just exists and feel that nothing is remarkable. Well, LIFE is remarkable and we only know it when it’s no longer there.

I can sometimes feel him giving me a hug. I remember the feeling when I could rest my head on his chest – he was almost a foot taller than me. I remember the peace that came with the hug – the warmth of knowing that he would do anything for me. It’s strange to not be a priority in anyone’s life. It’s strange to know you are and will be alone.

They say we run after things we can’t have. Gaurav is beyond my reach now and will be until we meet in the afterlife. Is that why I need him so? I promised myself that this will be an honest account of us – so it’s true that he wasn’t angelic. He was human, and that’s more than what most of us are. And he had a good heart – and at the end of the day, that’s what matters.

How I wish I could remember one thing about today! Just one!


3 thoughts on “The last night together

  1. I will not even pretend to understand the pain you’ve been going through, nor offer plain words to convey the same. What you’ve gone through is shattering and life-altering. All I can say to you is please hang in there. It may not get easier with time because you lost a part of your soul. But it won’t get harder either. You still have lots to do… lives to nurture……many milestones to achieve….. and more people to motivate with the strength that brought you this far. So don’t give up. Please.

    Letting go is hard. Don’t force it, don’t rush it. But if some memory or moment seems to fade away, let it go. You’re human too…. don’t feel guilty. You loved him all those years and still do, there’s no doubt about that. You may not be the priority in anyone’s life the same way you were in his. But you’re still important. You still matter. And you are not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

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