Choked…

Ever had that feeling when you need to get a lot of stuff of your mind? Have a go to person whom you call for every little thing? Ever felt choked with all the stuff you need to say but know not to whom? That’s what I’ve been feeling today.

Tears flow for no rhyme or reason. I am perfectly fine one minute and a leaky tap the next. I can’t put a finger on what’s going on in my head. As I drive to an office get together I catch glimpses of him – fleeting images in front of my eyes, people who look like him.

Yup, I went out today. I didn’t want to – today was one of those days where one curls up in a ball and shuts out the world. But I made an effort anyways. And so I drove to this office meet up, thankful for the traffic that delayed me. As soon as I reached there, this song started playing – the same song that Gaurav was listening to on this day 6 years ago. How do I know? I shared his Facebook memory of it today at 4:00am.

I was already weepy, and this coincidence didn’t help. I still sat there and tried to make conversation, but my mind was miles away. I was there but not there. I knew talking to people was going to be an effort today, and it made my headache worse, not to mention the passive smoke that’s always bothered me. I wasn’t drinking and that didn’t help matters either. Overall sitting there was bugging the hell out of me. So after an hour and a half I excused myself and started my drive back home. And that’s when things really got bad.

I had to talk to him. I had to tell him the things I was feeling and the torture these hormones are on my body. I wanted him to know how bugged I was. Just talk about my day. Some random conversation. I wanted to know his opinion on what I was wearing. I wanted him to drive the car because I was so tired that everything hurt. And my throat hurt with the word I could not say. And I cried as if i’ve lost him all over again.

I know I should not be crying. The embryo transfer is just around the corner and I need to be happy and cheerful and stress free. But I’m not. I have this intense need to run away somewhere. To just go where no one knows me. To just fade away.

Gaaaahhhhhhh…… I could scream! Can we please have one conversation? One hug?

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2 thoughts on “Choked…

  1. I’m so sorry. Grief is like that, it hits you in waves and can be totally unbearable. When my Mum passed from cancer (11 years ago now) I remember finding it incredibly hard that I could never communicate with her again- no visits, no phonecalls, not even a letter, just nothing.

    Like

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