I haven’t written in a while… precisely since I went off to Mumbai to get my first embryo transfer (ET) after Gaurav’s passing. I had much to say, but I chose to stay away from the blog – it triggers too many emotions and I was determined to be happy and in good spirits. I didn’t even carry my laptop to Mumbai and it was strangely liberating. I had a comfortable stay with a friend, had minimal travel, and even walked up to the sea all the days I was there.

The ET went off well – and now I won’t go in to details – my lining was good (11mm) and we transferred 3 grade A embryos. I was quite happy that after 1 year of waiting this was finally happening. The next day I flew back to Bangalore and the 2 week wait began. Most people undergoing IVF define it as the worst period of their lives – there is anticipation and anxiety and sometimes pure terror of what if. Considering other’s stories I thought I was doing pretty good. I felt good; I kept myself occupied, took the recommended mild exercise, took my meds on time, and ate well. I wasn’t taking any stress and was happy playing with Hash. I wasn’t thinking too much about Gaurav and the mess my life was in. There was hope that it’ll work the first time.

But the best laid plans of mice and men often come to naught. My bHCG was scheduled for today (17th August). Yesterday I started experiencing some period like cramps and spotting. I checked with my doc and she asked me to get the test done yesterday itself. And the result was a BFN. The value of bHCG should have been at least 50mIU/ml – for me it was <0.5mIU/ml. Not even a margin for error.

So that’s 3 embryos down the drain. Now I am due for an endometrial biopsy and in case we find some abnormality we fix that first and then use the remaining embryos for another transfer. That means a few more months of waiting and uncertainty and possible disappointment. It means more trips to Mumbai and shutting down my house and general logistical adjustments. It means more expectations and questions and sympathetic eyes.

It means more lessons in patience…

As Gaurav would say “just chill, wait and watch”

Here is hoping that the next attempt works…


8 thoughts on “Negative

  1. We’ve missed you!! I’m sorry it didn’t work out. That’s the crap thing about IVF, it’s only got a success rate of 20-25% so it feels like a roll of the dice no matter how much we prepare. Crossing fingers your next time is a winner!

    Liked by 1 person

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