Breakdown

I had a breakdown today after a long time. I’m in my hometown – landed here after a postponed trip to Mumbai where I go for the IVF treatment. Maybe it was being away from my comfort zone, or just the energy of the place that doesn’t agree with me, or the hurt shoulder that’s killing me with pain – but after my scan today I broke down and howled my eyes out. 

My lining is only 8.4mm and it’s day 19 of my LMP when last cycle it was 11mm on day 17. To say I was crushed would be an understatement. I’m not having a transfer this time, just an ERA to determine receptivity, but they say it needs to be done under similar conditions of an ET. And here I was at day 19, still not ready. 

I thought my Dr. would cancel the procedure this time, that I’ll have to start the cycle all over again and take more meds; that I would have to travel again. But mostly what brought on the tears was that I would have to do it alone. I cannot have more meds poured in to me, I cannot take this alone, just the thought of it made me howl. And I did.

I cried for hours till the tears won’t come anymore. I cried for everything that’s wrong with my life. I cried for the bloody injustice of this and in frustration from the people who harp on about little things – and that includes my mom! And ended up with a massive headache to add to the already unbearable shoulder pain. 

I think like our house, I’m breaking down one part at a time. Slowly, painfully, till one day everything will just collapse. People tell me it’s the meds ruining my body, but how can I not take them? What’s to look forward for if not this baby? 

I’ve gotta finish this somehow – one way or another. I cannot stop, and the courage will just have to come from somewhere! 

For now; I just want to go home…

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3 thoughts on “Breakdown

  1. I’m so sorry you are hurting. I do have to ask though as I am curious why you are upset that your lining is 8.4mm? Most doctors including my own agree that 8.0 is the ideal minimum it needs to be for a transfer and 7.0 a week before transfer (which mine was last time), so while thicker is even better, what you stated is actually just fine…?

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    1. I know it’s more than minimum required, but it’s a drastic drop from 11mm last time and also later. And since there is no transfer and only biopsy this time that means I have to do one more cycle for the transfer. I worried about the decline and if it would become a pattern like the egg count that kept dropping every retrieval cycle I did.

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