Never ever get an ERA (Endometrial Receptivity Assessment) without anesthesia. NEVER. I do have a slightly higher tolerance to pain – years of battling sinusitis induced headaches and a shoulder to finger RSI has helped shrug off minor aches and pains. So when I scream to high heavens, that means it’s hurting! To put it in context, I just whimpered when a door latch sliced open my hand so it needed 6 stitches, I didn’t make a sound when boiling oil fell on my forearm leaving an inch of skin burnt and permanently scarred, I walked away calmly when an accident scraped off half my face on the road. And then this Monday happened!

I’d gone to Mumbai for the ERA where they take a tissue sample from your endometrial layer to check for receptivity for a successful Embryo Transfer (ET). I hadn’t needed anesthesia for the previous 2 ETs and so it was assumed that I won’t need sedation for this procedure too – it’s similar to ET to an extent. I was just about to find out to what extent (rolling eyes right now!). In ET they put in a clamp to hold the cervix open and then insert a catheter which deposits the embryos in the uterus. For ERA the tube carrying the embies is replaced by a scraping tool – I didn’t get to see it but it felt like a f****** sharp bristled thing. So i’m lying down and this thing reaches the uterine wall and starts whirring away – basically scraping off the tissue inside. I screamed and howled. Tears were pouring from my eyes and all of me was cold and clammy. When finally it stopped I had trouble breathing and I had them turn on the AC full blast. And then I figure they haven’t got enough tissue to test with so they will do it again! I have no idea how I endured it. The doctor had to sit holding my hand for 10 minutes after it was done. And I sat around for hours before I could function.

I sincere advise – anyone going for this, please please ask for sedation. The pain is not worth it.

And while physical pain is something that was one time in this case, I have some mental trauma to report. I already had a breakdown during my stay in Jaipur and I might have had more had I stayed there. One thing I’ve learnt about grief is – to each his/her own. There is no way you can walk in anyone’s shoes; because you don’t get it. It’s easy to give advice and even easier to believe you’d follow your own advise if you were in a similar situation. Only you won’t. It’s just been a year since Gaurav has been gone. A measly year in comparison to the 15 we spent together. And people have already starting to ask me to get married again! It’s ghastly; for many reasons.

We may not have been the perfect couple, but we made a life together. I cannot just forget that journey. How do you close the door on 15 years just after a year and walk in to another one? Is that even possible? Was our time together not worth anything? Is getting married again the only way to move on? I know people say these things in my best interest. They want me to not be lonely when I grow old – i’ve said it’s my biggest fear anyways. But does 15 years of your life does not even deserve some respect? How easy is it to say “get married again”, how difficult to do it.

Will I not look for him in everyone I meet? Will I not compare? Will I not remember how Gaurav used to do a particular thing compared to whoever else? Those who think otherwise are fools. Yes, time may change things and though I don’t want to even think of getting married again, I may think otherwise after years have passed. But saying it now, to my face, I consider an insult. An insult to our life – it was not that insignificant to be washed off just like that.

And while I try to smile and nod away at these suggestions, mentally zoned out; I struggle to find peace with my mother. She’s a tortured soul and she herself is internally destroying her own peace of mind. I cry every time I see her, and there is nothing I can say or do that can save her from herself. Worse, I see myself as her 30 years from now and that is a very painful thought.

The only solace was a small thing I did – planted a tree for Gaurav. And that made me so happy! I’m going to do it every year now!



8 thoughts on “Pain

  1. Oh yeah, my doc’s anesthesiologist was out the only day I was available for the endo and I loaded up on vicodin and valium and even then it was still crazy painful.

    You will see him in so many places, and that is okay – and a beautiful thing even in all of its pain. You don’t have to shut the door while you continue to live and experience your life. You get to do whatever you want to do, no rules, remember that. You are loved, and while you are struggling, you are also a very strong woman – even when you don’t feel like you are, know that you are. Go easy on yourself as much as you can allow.

    I saw my mother move on to a new relationship in under 4 months and I never understood that, I suppose her fear of being alone trumped dealing with any of her feelings of loss, I don’t know, but I do know that I’d rather have seen her heart exposed, like you have done with yours, to see something real in her rather than complete avoidance. Sounds like an odd compliment, I know, but your heart led you to him and will lead you through this wickedly painful journey and to something new and completely unexpected. I know you will find joy again. I don’t know what it will look like, but just from knowing you ‘virtually’ there is so much that you have to offer the world that has 100% to do with the person you are.

    xoxo hugs

    Liked by 2 people

    1. If I’d known how much it’ll hurt I’d have inhaled some painkillers beforehand :(. At least I’ll research a bit now before walking in for a procedure!!!

      I think I’ve somewhere made peace with it that he’s gone. What galls me is people pretending that he was never there!! It’s crazy!

      I’m getting a change of scene now, going where no one knows me – to an event in Mexico!! Hopefully that’ll be something different to do.. Away from all “poor u” scenarios!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh gosh, that ERA sounds totally awful! I don’t know how you got through it, the doctor should have warned you or something! The things we do in our quest to have a baby! People shouldn’t be talking to you already about getting married again, like you said it’s only been a year and you are still grieving. Maybe you will meet someone else in the future, but it shouldn’t be rushed and it’s your life at the end of the day.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s