Last week it was 14 months since I lost Gaurav. Fourteen months of denial, uncertainty, insecurity, loneliness, fear, despair, longing, and anger. In these months I tried escaping, coping, cursing… everything ended in tears. I didn’t know what I could or could not do. What I should or should not do. And definitely not what I would do. With well meant but useless advise to be brave, to be strong, and to move on I wondered what the rest of my life would look like. It seemed like a long, lonely road to walk. The baby project was the only thing that was keeping me focused, I had lost interest in everything else.
I made resolves to get back to work, to get my life back on track, to do whatever that keeps me sane… everything disintegrated after some attempts. A friend tried to take me out.. she thought I needed some fun. I was uncomfortable. I didn’t know if this was ok. I didn’t know if I should be having fun at all. Every time I did something that made me feel good, I felt guilty. It was going no where. And people telling me “It’s what he would have wanted”, “he’d want to see you happy” etc. etc. was bugging me even more! I’ve never been ok with hypocrisy and putting the onus on what ‘I’ want to do on him (where he doesn’t even get to share his opinion) is just that. If I do something to have fun, it’s because I want to. It’s nothing to do with him. HE’S NOT THERE. And we never thought about what’ll happen to the other person if one of us were to die… not unless we thought of being really old. The only thing we did say was “If I die, you’ll be miserable”, and that is true! Death, moving on, etc. is nothing to do with one who’s passed away. It’s just our way of justifying what we want to do… and I’ve never been a big fan of justifications.
So ya, I am doing things now – some of them he would never approve of – things that make sense to me today, in this moment. Things that help me adjust to this new state of MY being. Things that help me take an interest in life again – a life where HE isn’t there. Where my decisions – and consequences – have to be mine alone.
It sucks… but that’s what it is. And someday i’ll make peace with it. Till then i’ll just call it as it is, and not hide behind his shadow.