So…. I decided to go on a trip. I’d been thinking of this for a while. Gaurav loved to travel and we frequently went on trips together – though just weekend getaways. A big European holiday was in our plans for the longest time, but we just kept pushing it back because work always took precedence. And now THAT holiday will never happen. I was never much of a traveler, but now I do want to see the world…and perhaps tell him all about it when we meet.
I evaluated many options – looked at flights and accommodation in many cities. But I knew I couldn’t travel alone. I never have. And since I’m not really a traveler at heart and an introvert to0… it wouldn’t have worked for me. Then I looked at tour group options, even explored some women only groups and even almost booked one before an event popped up on my FB page.
A company that my cousin is associated with does these events twice a year. They gather a line up of speakers, organize get togethers etc. and basically get interesting people together. This time they were collecting in Mexico and the theme was ‘Live your Quest’. It sounded good, organized and within safe confines of one resort. And without thinking much about it I applied and booked.
Initially I was busy with the preps, bookings, flights, commute etc. but now that all of it is done and I leave in a few days I don’t want to go. Travel isn’t my thing, it was his. He should be going. He’d really have fun too… explore places, connect with people, enjoy every moment. I’d probably just sleep away my social awkwardness and jet lag.
Maybe I’m feeling his absence a lot because of yesterday. I left my house being all normal and then I saw this car that he used to drive, same color, same model and I expected to see him at the wheel. And I did in the image that flashed in front of my eyes. One hand on the wheel, one elbow hanging out, grinning from ear to ear. And everything went downhill from there. I guess it was one of the waves that hit you and presses the replay button. I haven’t recovered from it yet and I’m being generally weepy and irritable and feeling sorry for myself.
I hate being in the self pity mode. And I hate how this upcoming travel is becoming a guilt trip.
Gah! My ERA results are coming in a day or two. I hope there is some good news there. For now, just mindf*****.