Where do I go from here?

When Enrique said “you can run, you can hide, but you can’t escape…” he was talking about love. I learnt that’s equally true of grief. I went half way around the world to break free from the monotony of my days, and I found tears there. I realized I haven’t come to terms with Gaurav’s death… yet. I realized there are still many tears left for me to shed. And I found that I am no longer embarrassed to cry in public. Well at least I didn’t do it voluntarily.

On the last day of the conference there was a morning meditation session. I went there thinking they’ll do some breathing exercises. But I was in for a surprise. For this session the instructor divided us in to 2 circles, facing each other. She played some music, and we had to look in to the eyes of the person standing in front of us till she rang a bell. When the bell sounded, we had to move to the next person, and so it went for almost 15-20 minutes – in silence. I was ok initially. We had to say some things we were grateful for and so on. But as I moved from person to person and looked them in the eye, all I could see was Gaurav looking back at me. I kid you not… every face was his face, all eyes his eyes, and then I could not stop crying. Was it some deep seated desire to see him and be near him that was coming out now? Or was it that flippant talk and laughter my usual defenses against emotions could not come to my rescue in silence?

On my way back I started thinking about how it had gone. This attempt at getting away. And I realized that i’d spent most of my time thinking of what Gaurav would have done in my place. Or what we would have done together if he were here. I was not a part of the show, just a watcher on the sidelines. I am an introvert by nature, it takes me time to open up to people. And here it was even more evident that without Gaurav I have not a chance of a social circle. He was the one who connected with new people, who kept in touch with the old ones, who remembered birthdays and important events, who called people just to say hello. I don’t do that. I have tried, but it is not in my nature to.

I had gone to this conference hoping for some answers, some direction, but not very many expectations. And I realized while I can take away inspiration it’s up to me to reflect and spend time to decide what I need to do. The question was – where do I go from here?

And I’ve decided to focus on myself right now. I’m broken in many places – physically. I have wrist injuries, ankle injuries, weak back, shoulder RSI and no stamina. I think I first need to fix that. If I am to have a baby, i’ll need strength. So the next few months I’m going to put in efforts to fix the exterior, and maybe the head will come around. From there, who knows… One step at a time…

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5 thoughts on “Where do I go from here?

  1. Ah yes, anytime I’m in a group setting during grief looking another person in the eye, particularly while in a meditative place, can really do some things to the mind and heart. I hope your trip was a good one – was this the event in Mexico you were talking about? Glad you are taking care of YOU…much deserved….

    Liked by 1 person

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