This is it. I’m done with all I had to say in public. I kept this blog to myself for a long time, and then on a whim shared it with everyone. I thought I was ready for that. I thought i’d still be able to write whatever I was going through. But it didn’t work. Too many people who read this react to it beyond the blogosphere, in person, on messages or calls, and I am not ready to discuss this offline. I liked the security of the screen, hiding behind the text, not having to voice out my feelings – i have never been good at that anyways.
And I fumbled trying to give the right responses, feeling the weight of the need to respond. I also start thinking about stuff I would write, what I could and couldn’t. I eliminated stuff that I thought might upset others, and it took away the purpose of this blog – to help me vent out MY feelings, and the things I am struggling with. And so I limited my writing, only publishing when it was too much to hold back.
It’s not been good for me.
So I’m going back – to writing for myself and keeping it to myself.
I won’t be posting here anymore, except maybe once let you know how the baby project went. I’ve connected with a lot of you here who are facing similar struggles – loss of a spouse or IVF – and I’m grateful for your posts. It meant a lot to get to know your story, and I will keep coming back to read your posts, ask for advise or offer a shoulder to cry on – we all need that sometime. And I appreciate all of you who’ve taken the time to read this sob story and my rants and raves. But… that’s all folks!