I thought i’ll stay away from blogging for a while. I thought I was done with airing my grief in public. I thought i’m going to keep my thoughts to myself and let the world believe I have moved on. They are more comfortable believing it. No one wants to talk about Gaurav anymore. All I get is uncomfortable looks and a quick change of topic. No one understands if I still cry, their expressions clearly saying – what, isn’t it time you were done with it? There is no way to make them understand – I didn’t get it either when it hadn’t happened to me.
It’s going to be 2 years soon – I am escaping on this anniversary. I don’t know what my own reaction would be, and I definitely don’t want to be managing people’s expectations.
I keep hoping that one of the IVF attempts will work. I thought there was something wrong with me and so the embryos were not implanting. But I’ve tried surrogacy twice now, with the same BFN staring me in the face. I don’t know what is wrong and how to fix it. I don’t know how not to build up my expectations. I don’t know how long I can cry over failed attempts. If only I have a baby I can deal with Gaurav being gone, I don’t know how else to deal with it. And I’m tired of explaining to people why I must do this and how long will I continue to do it. Would they be able to leave it behind and move on?
I missed the solidarity I found here. Experiences of people who’ve gone through the same thing, and who understand that even if you are still living doesn’t mean that you have moved on – whatever the fuck that is.
This month has overall been terrible. I messed up his phone that I had kept for so long – wiping out all messages, chats etc. Another thing I won’t be able to get back. I’ve been told I should pack up his stuff – that it’s just a way of me hanging on. And what do I do with the empty space then? Won’t it be a reminder of how lonely my life is? I meet people, go out, have dinners and everyone thinks I am having a gala time. They aren’t here on those empty days and nights, they aren’t here when I am hurting or unwell, or when broken things need fixing, and broken hearts need a hug.
I’m tired of pretending. I want to run away. I want to be with him, the world be damned.