When a BFN rules your life

I thought i’ll stay away from blogging for a while. I thought I was done with airing my grief in public. I thought i’m going to keep my thoughts to myself and let the world believe I have moved on. They are more comfortable believing it. No one wants to talk about Gaurav anymore. All I get is uncomfortable looks and a quick change of topic. No one understands if I still cry, their expressions clearly saying – what, isn’t it time you were done with it? There is no way to make them understand – I didn’t get it either when it hadn’t happened to me.

It’s going to be 2 years soon – I am escaping on this anniversary. I don’t know what my own reaction would be, and I definitely don’t want to be managing people’s expectations.

I keep hoping that one of the IVF attempts will work. I thought there was something wrong with me and so the embryos were not implanting. But I’ve tried surrogacy twice now, with the same BFN staring me in the face. I don’t know what is wrong and how to fix it. I don’t know how not to build up my expectations. I don’t know how long I can cry over failed attempts. If only I have a baby I can deal with Gaurav being gone, I don’t know how else to deal with it. And I’m tired of explaining to people why I must do this and how long will I continue to do it. Would they be able to leave it behind and move on?

I missed the solidarity I found here. Experiences of people who’ve gone through the same thing, and who understand that even if you are still living doesn’t mean that you have moved on – whatever the fuck that is.

This month has overall been terrible. I messed up his phone that I had kept for so long – wiping out all messages, chats etc. Another thing I won’t be able to get back. I’ve been told I should pack up his stuff – that it’s just a way of me hanging on. And what do I do with the empty space then? Won’t it be a reminder of how lonely my life is? I meet people, go out, have dinners and everyone thinks I am having a gala time. They aren’t here on those empty days and nights, they aren’t here when I am hurting or unwell, or when broken things need fixing, and broken hearts need a hug.

I’m tired of pretending. I want to run away. I want to be with him, the world be damned.


9 thoughts on “When a BFN rules your life

  1. My heart hurts along with you. How can you be expected to move on so quickly? To even really ‘move on’ at all? 2 years is just a blip and when your dear love is a part of every fabric of your life he is still so very with you in everything you do. There is no time limit on grief. It’s ok to just feel to just barely get by. His legacy and memories are a part of you forever. You are his link here on earth. We want you here to share who he was to share how he made you feel. The pain and agony of Infertility is pure hell. To have that on top of this huge void is unimaginable. Thank you for checking in with us. We care, we love you. One day at a time. One moment at a time. Not ‘trying to get better’ but rather letting his memory and existence propel you. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m so sorry you are having such a hard time lately and that people don’t seem to understand. After my Mum died I remember getting the impression that after a few months people expected me to be ‘over’ it and to not be grieving anymore. It takes a long time to be ok after such a huge part of your life is gone. I’m really sorry to hear your IVF attempts have been unsuccessful also. Maybe you could try getting a consultation at a different clinic for a second opinion if you haven’t done so already.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, I guess they can’t understand. 😦 and there is no way to make them… this was my 2nd opinion clinic and is supposed to be the best. I don’t know where to go from here 😢


  3. M glad your back..always kept thinking of you ..Do share Ur thoughts so you’ll feel better…Everyone goes through something or the other in life I guess..I lost my mom when I was just 15 … It’s going to be 17 years this June..There not a single day when my dad doens’t miss her.. I sometimes look back and think if she was here how different things would be..You cant just forget a person and move on..Even if you do..They will Always linger in your memories and thoughts .. Difficult to explain to people who haven’t been through it so..Just cheer up and take care of yourself.. Hugzzz

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I didn’t know you had come back to blogging!!! I thought I would look at an old blog post of yours and see that you have written a couple. I definitely understand taking the time off and I definitely understand returning… I’ve always found my blog to be my safe place when the rest of the world seems so clueless. Sending big hugs as always. – Aimee (and PS I saw your post about planting a tree for your sweetheart and while I can’t plant a tree, I can definitely add something to the garden in honor of him! ).

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey, things got jut too much and I had to vent. And I am not comfortable talking to people, hence returned to the only place that helps :).

      Thank you so much for planting something for gaurav 🙂 it would mean a lot.

      How is your eye now? And back? And how are YOU doing? I’ve stopped following a lot of blogs, but I do read yours whenever I come to this portal.

      Take care! Hugs!


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