On 11th August it’ll be 2 years since my life changed forever. I’ve changed as a person, I’ve changed my outlook in life, and I’ve changed priorities. Given a choice I’d rather be with Gaurav again – alive or dead. But I know that’s not an option anymore. I tried having his baby and 2 years of efforts in that endeavour have come to no good. And now I have no choice but to look at a plan B. What do I do now?
But life plans can wait. My immediate concern is the date. 11th will be here soon – just a day to go. He died – I was devastated in 2015, heartbroken in 2016, and am lost in 2017.
I hate that date and it’s tattooed on my hand – to stay with me till I am alive. What do you do on your husband’s death anniversary. I wanted to run away somewhere and be alone. Perhaps to think about him – about us – and what was. That’s another thing – I’ve conditioned myself to stop thinking about him. It does no good. I don’t look at pictures anymore. I try not to talk about him. I distract myself if I start thinking about him. There are still lapses – when something triggers a memory or when looking at other happy couples you want to bawl your eyes out. But I’m trying not to think about the past.
How does one deal with this?