Going to be 2 years 

On 11th August it’ll be 2 years since my life changed forever. I’ve changed as a person, I’ve changed my outlook in life, and I’ve changed priorities. Given a choice I’d rather be with Gaurav again – alive or dead. But I know that’s not an option anymore. I tried having his baby and 2 years of efforts in that endeavour have come to no good. And now I have no choice but to look at a plan B. What do I do now?

But life plans can wait. My immediate concern is the date. 11th will be here soon – just a day to go. He died – I was devastated in 2015, heartbroken in 2016, and am lost in  2017.

I hate that date and it’s tattooed on my hand – to stay with me till I am alive. What do you do on your husband’s death anniversary. I wanted to run away somewhere and be alone. Perhaps to think about him – about us – and what was. That’s another thing – I’ve conditioned myself to stop thinking about him. It does no good. I don’t look at pictures anymore. I try not to talk about him. I distract myself if I start thinking about him. There are still lapses – when something triggers a memory or when looking at other happy couples you want to bawl your eyes out. But I’m trying not to think about the past. 

How does one deal with this? 

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10 thoughts on “Going to be 2 years 

  1. If you ask me, marry again! I know you might hate me for that, but that’s the best possible solution.

    It is a well know fact – if you have to forget bad memories, start creating new ones. Yes, life will be difficult initially even then, but think about 5, 10, 15 years from now.

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    1. You have GOT to be kidding me with that kind of insensitive response. Marrying again is not a “solution” for grief and disrespects the love that marriage should be built upon. She can grieve as long as she wants to, as long as she needs to – there is no timetable on grief and suggesting someone attempt to smother it with a relationship solely created to try to suppress it is not only unhealthy, it’s scary.

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      1. Well, I am not new to her blog, so you might find my comment insensitive but it is a fact of life. Many do remarry and lead a happy life. Grief to a certain extent and time is ok but if it continues for too long, it devastates life of those around you too.

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      2. I know many people remarry. I am remarried (but sure as hell didn’t do it a year after!!), and have battled Infertility like she has, but that has *nothing* to do with how you spoke to her nor how long you’ve been reading her blog. He’s only been gone for a year and there is NO timetable she needs to follow to heal, and just because you don’t agree with her pain does not mean you should try to make her feel bad for feeling it “too long” as you put it. Get a heart.

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  2. I think just putting one foot in front of the other is all you should ask of yourself. We all heal and grieve on our own timeline. Just waking up and getting through the day while you go though this is an accomplishment. I imagine you belong to a support group of some sort? I think being around those that have to navigate this pain might give you some ideas or perspective. Sending my love.

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  3. (I’m so sorry for the delay in my response, I thought I’d hit send before and revisited to see nothing from me here, so I’m going to rewrite it with a bit of an update)

    The crappy thing about grief is that there is no pat solution, nothing we can do but like Mamajo23 said above, which is simply put one foot in front of the other. Know you are loved and supported, and follow YOUR heart and YOUR instincts, not what anyone else tells you you should do. You know how to reach me offline if you need to just vent OK?

    Last week, for the first time ever, I interviewed a candidate with the name of Gaurav- and I instantly thought of you. My heart grew so heavy as I thought of you battling your way through the world after such a tremendous loss, and I hope so much for healing as you learn the “new normal’ of life without him. When you are ready, someday, you will revisit those photos and those memories and it’s perfectly okay to take a break from all of that, play with your puppy, go on long walks, turn the music up loud and dance it out, whatever suits you. Be kind to yourself even if it’s just starting out with small things.

    PS – When I grieved the loss of my father, the quote from the movie Cast Away kept coming up in my mind and continues to help me, I bequeath this upon you now:

    “I had power over *nothing*. And that’s when this feeling came over me like a warm blanket. I knew, somehow, that I had to stay alive. Somehow. I had to keep breathing. Even though there was no reason to hope. And all my logic said that I would never see this place again. So that’s what I did. I stayed alive. I kept breathing. And one day my logic was proven all wrong because the tide came in, and gave me a sail. And now, here I am. I’m back. In Memphis, talking to you. I have ice in my glass… And I’ve lost her all over again. I’m so sad that I don’t have Kelly. But I’m so grateful that she was with me on that island. And I know what I have to do now. I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?”

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