Going to be 2 years 

On 11th August it’ll be 2 years since my life changed forever. I’ve changed as a person, I’ve changed my outlook in life, and I’ve changed priorities. Given a choice I’d rather be with Gaurav again – alive or dead. But I know that’s not an option anymore. I tried having his baby and 2 years of efforts in that endeavour have come to no good. And now I have no choice but to look at a plan B. What do I do now?

But life plans can wait. My immediate concern is the date. 11th will be here soon – just a day to go. He died – I was devastated in 2015, heartbroken in 2016, and am lost in  2017.

I hate that date and it’s tattooed on my hand – to stay with me till I am alive. What do you do on your husband’s death anniversary. I wanted to run away somewhere and be alone. Perhaps to think about him – about us – and what was. That’s another thing – I’ve conditioned myself to stop thinking about him. It does no good. I don’t look at pictures anymore. I try not to talk about him. I distract myself if I start thinking about him. There are still lapses – when something triggers a memory or when looking at other happy couples you want to bawl your eyes out. But I’m trying not to think about the past. 

How does one deal with this? 

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2 thoughts on “Going to be 2 years 

  1. If you ask me, marry again! I know you might hate me for that, but that’s the best possible solution.

    It is a well know fact – if you have to forget bad memories, start creating new ones. Yes, life will be difficult initially even then, but think about 5, 10, 15 years from now.

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  2. I think just putting one foot in front of the other is all you should ask of yourself. We all heal and grieve on our own timeline. Just waking up and getting through the day while you go though this is an accomplishment. I imagine you belong to a support group of some sort? I think being around those that have to navigate this pain might give you some ideas or perspective. Sending my love.

    Liked by 1 person

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