In 2015, just after I lost him forever, I was plagued with nightmares. I’d dream everyday about scenarios in which he was dying – in ways that prolonged his death and gave me time to adjust to the idea. The counselor I saw told me that it’s my subconscious way of dealing with the abruptness of the loss. But it was terrible, watching him die in so many different ways, feeling that loss over and over again. And gradually the dreams went away as I adjusted to a ‘normal’ way of living.
It’s been more than 2 years since he’s gone now, and recently the dreams have come back. I’ve just woken up from one – shivering and crying, and I just had to write – just HAD to get it out of my system. It was so vivid, so clear, it was as if he and I were really there. I’ve had some of them recently too – but that was a reel of situations where we were getting (strangely) divorced. I’ve never had those before. It’s as if we were trying to break some bonds… I don’t know….
But tonight, I am back to losing him…. he was sick in my dream. Some sickness that was eating away at him. He had grown so thin. And he had to be in the hospital so often. I’d started making new friends while he was away to just keep myself occupied, and I really really wanted them to meet him – ‘coz i knew they’d love him. And then one weekend he was coming home from the hospital. I walked in, and there he was sitting in (of all things) a yellow T-shirt – in that strange way he had of wearing them (He and I could never agree on the right way to wear T-shirts!). That’s weird ‘coz he didn’t have a yellow T-shirt. And he looked so thin, almost floating in that T-shirt. And smiling he came to me and gave me a hug. I’d brought my friend along ‘coz I really wanted him to meet her – I don’t know if I was looking for approval? Some sort of a nod that it’s okay maybe… I don’t know.
And he greeted her like he met everyone, with a broad smile and that welcoming manner that made him friends instantly. But even she could see he was sick, and he could not stand for long. So he lay down, and I lay down next to him, holding him tight. He was weak, he was sick, but he was smiling throughout. And then I was telling my friend – “didn’t I tell you, you’ll love him”. And she was there too hugging him. And then there was just the 2 of us again, him in my arms, we in some old room of my childhood, on a small bed that could barely hold us. And his face was turned towards me, and he was crying too. He said this is his last visit back home, or maybe he’ll get one more weekend. But after that he can’t come home anymore. He has to stay in the hospital only. And both of us were crying, and I was trying to deny it again. And I told him if u can’t come home, i’ll move near the hospital and stay there as an attendant. The next thing I know I’m awake – he isn’t there. Just me in the darkness and a very cold bed. I was so sure he was there. Don’t they allow weekend visits from wherever he is now? I could live on just that…
And now i’m up, and shivering and crying.. and I want to sleep again to go back and dream of him again. A nice one this time please. I cannot keep losing him like this… I can’t.