It never really goes away does it?

So anniversary week is coming up. And i’ve been in a bad shape to put it bluntly. I’m crying for no reason again. The irrational fear of dying alone is back again. I’m missing the reassurance of someone in my life, and all the little things that come with it. It’s missing something that people pushing me towards random hookups don’t get… because they don’t miss it!

Anyway, I won’t rant. What I really want to do is scream to high heavens and cry my eyes out. And that’s not happening… veneer of sanity and all that.

And the worst bit is, whenever I meet new people, in whichever situation, ultimately the question comes “are you married”. And I still don’t know the answer… So I fumble.. I am, I was, My husband died… and then they get this look, pity… you poor thing. I get a pat on the back and the standard.. I’m sorry.. and then they sort of try to avoid my eyes. What do you talk to with a woman who just told you in a very random sort of way that her husband died young? At the end of the exchange, everyone is left uncomfortable, and I am still left without an answer… such small things.. yet not insignificant. Will there be a day when I can just say “No” as an answer to that question? Perhaps not.

I’ve tried travel, hobbies, tried getting out of my shell and making new friends. Tried everything I could think of to not feel alone. It’s been 2 years, and it’s still not working. Please make it go away!!!

 

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7 thoughts on “It never really goes away does it?

  1. can’t deny the pain..can’t imagine the pain but trust me u had true love..very few ppl get in this world.. u hv treasures of memories..not everyones that lucky

    Liked by 1 person

  2. One day you have to start going on long bicycle rides — and I mean l-o-n-g. It won’t produce a reasonable answer to “Are you married?” but it will give you the time to think about life, the universe and the dog. And you know the fantastic thing about cycling? All the colors fade in the sun…including the blues.

    Liked by 1 person

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