I came across a video on my Facebook feed that talked about paid cuddling. It highlighted the story of a woman who paid $80 an hour to cuddle with someone as her husband was away on duty most of the time and she needed the contact. I saw the comments on the post that ranged from – who would pay someone to cuddle, don’t you have any family, what sort of a husband would allow his wife to cuddle someone else? And I could only think – I’d pay for it. It’s really mind boggling how difficult it is to come by a cuddle. Especially if you are in India where people aren’t very touchy feely to begin with. There are boundaries, and awkwardness – heck! I can’t even get a hug!
And people like me get lonely. Not lonely as in without anyone to meet or hang out with. But lonely for touch. Just to hold hands and sit for a while. To watch a movie with your head in someone’s lap. To hold on to someone as you catch a nap… and these things add up – and they get worse when you are anyway skimming the bottom with emotions. And then I end up resenting others for their relationships – why are people together if I am not :/. Stupid, I know. But can’t help it.
I’ve had a few bad days – generally being upset about the things Gaurav and I are missing out on. The feeling of loneliness doesn’t help much and if I had the option (which unfortunately I don’t) I’d sign up for cuddles in a heartbeat. I think they are such energy restorers – put you in a right good mood. But no such luck…
And I think at some level people get that I need company, so of course they try and help the only way they know how to. They encourage me to get married again. I had this discussion with my mom-in-law a couple of days ago! (Which then just ran off in to how I miss Gaurav and how he and I were such a good match). And I see where they are coming from – I even promised myself last August that i’ll stop moping and keep my mind open about getting in to another relationship – but honestly – I can’t do it.
So I try and cram more and more things to do in my day. I try and reach exhaustion before I hit the bed, so I don’t think about stuff. I diffuse lavender oil to relax, I eat organic supplements to take away anxiety. But I still can’t sleep most of the days. I know none of that is going to work, because what I need to sleep is the one thing that’s no where on horizon, not even if I shell out $80 an hour.