#BeingMommy came as a bit of a surprise to me. I mean, I wasn’t pregnant – I didn’t really have the mental preparation to nurture a tiny human. And just like that one day, I was holding my little one in my arms. And he came to me trusting me to do right by him!
I mean, I am a novice at this! I’ve never been a mother before. I’ve changed ONE diaper in my life before he came, and NEVER given a baby a bath!!! So I am pretty much depending on trial and error here… and of course the unavoidable wisdom of everyone with an opinion on raising a kid.
But we’ve gone 3 weeks without incident (touch wood) and while I won’t say it’s been smooth sailing… it’s been a HUGE, MASSIVE, GINORMOUS learning experience.
- ONE, a baby is forever, it’s not something you can return if it doesn’t work for you. Even if you got it ready-made via a surrogate. (OK OK… I’ll stop kidding. Not for an instant have I wanted to return him!)
- It takes time to sink in – that you actually have the responsibility for a tiny human – or that you have a baby. Period. I mean I was on a flight with him and I dozed off. I could hear a baby crying – and I didn’t pay attention – except to mutter about people bringing babies on flights. And then with a jolt I realized that it’s my baby!!! From a holiday in Bali to a mom overnight. It’s a lot to process!
- Having a baby changes your life in ways you never even thought possible. I find myself wondering about nipple sizes of feeding bottles, and wetness indicators of diapers, and pros and cons of one formula vs. another. I cancel plans to go out, because I’d rather sit up at night holding him close to me so he can sleep peacefully safe. I wake up at the slightest whimper and I change diapers like a pro. Basically I’m me, but not me. I’m Adi’s mom!
- Sleep when your baby sleeps is the biggest lie of all time. There is no way to do that. Coz the minute you start to doze off, their little baby antennas pick it up. And hey, they are back up again! It’s time to feed/poop/play.
- You, who couldn’t sing to save your life, are humming nursery rhymes, because that’s what puts him to sleep. No matter how out of tune or raspy your voice is. And you realize that you would, indeed, do anything for this little human.
There are so many of these things that I am learning and processing every day. So many decisions I have had to make. And of course doing it alone is not really a cake walk. Just last week I broke down and cried on a friend’s shoulder – in public. Sobbing about how I miss Gaurav, and how I can’t do this without him. It feels strange, and scary, and then there is the bit of guilt. He was born via surrogacy, so I can’t breastfeed him. I feel that we are missing out on some very instinctive bonding. Something that says mother and child that nothing else can. And then I have that twinge of guilt. But well, I have him, and I’ve done a lot to get him. So I guess we’ll have to manage. And I hope when he grows up he’ll understand.
So in a nutshell it is a rollercoaster we are on. And I’m going to hang on tight…