When you do something out of the beaten track, something that the social construct views as an aberration, you must be prepared for questioning. It’s very rare for human beings to mind their own business. And questions can be irksome, no matter how well-meant.
And I think that’s true in every aspect of our lives. Especially women are subject to questioning that is sometimes downright insulting. Thank you very much, but do give me credit for knowing what I am doing – I do possess some brains!
This is not to deter questions that are well-meant. It’s good to know that you care. But stop with the repeated doubts and just accept that this is what I’ve decided to do.
So of course when I decided to have Adi, even if his dad was no longer around to be a part of this journey, I knew people will have questions. And I know Adi will have his own when he grows up.
Over the past few years I’ve been asked a multitude of things; from the sanity of my decision, to my capability as a potential single mom.
Do you think you are over reacting and taking a hasty emotional decision?
It’s going to be very difficult being a single parent, are you sure you are ready for it?
Does spending so much money, and going through so much physical and mental trauma to have a baby really make sense?
Why don’t you just adopt?
How long are you going to continue doing this?
The baby needs a father, aren’t you depriving him of that if you go ahead with this?
What if you meet someone later? Won’t it be difficult to have a relationship with a baby in the equation?
Are you sure about the trans vaginal scan? <<This from a radiologist who when I refused to disclose my marital status thought a TVS might rupture my hymen if I am single – this despite me having a prescription that clearly said I needed a TVS>>
And now that Adi is in this world, the questions don’t stop!
How did this happen? (from people who don’t know my journey, but do know that my husband died a long time ago)
Is he adopted?
Did you know his parents? (er.. ya, coz I am one of them)
What is surrogacy? Did you know the surrogate?
Was it very expensive?
And I am sure as he grows up, and meets more people the questions will only pile up. Initially I tried answering everything. Tried to make people see my point of view. Heck, I even wrote blog posts about it – see this and this.
But then I realized that there is no point talking myself hoarse about it.
I don’t have to explain myself to anyone!
It’s my decision and my consequences. People will only hear what they want to anyways.
But now and then come questions that leave you stumped. And from the most unexpected of sources. My neighbors 4-year-old son asked me:
I came from my mumma’s tummy, where did Adi come from?
I said he came from a friend’s tummy, who then gave him to me. But the questioning wasn’t over. Before I could recover, the next one hit me:
But why did she give him to you? << in an incredulous voice>>
And I really had no answer to that! How do you explain surrogacy to a 4-year-old!
I was talking about this to my friend and she gave me the answer. A little girl who was adopted by her friend was facing questions from her classmates. Something along similar lines about how her classmates all came from their mummies tummies and she didn’t. But her mum had given her the answer a long time ago.
She told her classmates that “some babies come from the heart, and some come from below the heart. I came from my mumma’s heart.” And that statement made me cry so much! Because it’s so simple and so true. I’m shedding a few tears as I write this!
For Adi, you’ve truly come from your mumma’s heart. And that is and will always be more important than anything else!